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10 Things Never To Say To Someone with a Deployed Soldier

I have been through a few deployments myself and I’m always amazed by some of the comments received. Through our time in the Army, I’ve heard quite a few and heard many more that have been relayed to me by other Army wives. So I decided to develop the top ten things you should never say to someone who has a soldier deployed. Ready?

1. I don’t know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don’t know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have?

2. I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.

Hmmm…how does hearing how someone else can’t deal with it help me to deal with it?

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he’s there?

This one has always really perplexed me. Of course, I’m scared. I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t. But being reminded of the fact that something may happen to him doesn’t help me out.

4. Do you miss him?

Every time I was asked this, I just wanted to respond “Oh, no, definitely not. I like it when he’s gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who wouldn’t want that?” Of course, I miss him. Wouldn’t you miss your husband?

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me? First, I barely notice now if my husband is only gone for three days. Second, unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street trying to kill him and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, its not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it’s like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines…How can you go without sex for so long?

Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do – both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won’t you be afraid when he comes home?

This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It’s not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once even had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier.

8. I’m so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don’t you just hate President Bush?

My husband joined the military of his own free will AFTER 9/11 knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but both my husband and I knew what we were getting into when he joined. I’m proud of him and his accomplishments. And I don’t discuss politics or religion with anyone. 🙂

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so..he wouldn’t have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.

Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting my husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have the right to protest in the first place. I’m certainly not putting myself in a position where it could be construed as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families.

10. I can’t believe your husband did this to you. Aren’t you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn’t do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There’s certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m proud of my husband and I completely support him.

About the author: Stacey is an Army wife of a soldier who joined in 2003. He has since been medically retired but she continues to provide information to Army wives and families to make their adjustment to the Army lifestyle easier. Connect with Stacey: Facebook Twitter Pinterest

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Craig October 22, 2010, 1:16 pm

    I am a deployed soldier and thank you for your “Top Ten”. I completely agree with what you wrote. My wife is an awesome woman and has supported me through (now) four deployments! We have had challenges but neither of us have cheated on each other. I say that with great pride. Not only does she have to go at it alone while I’m gone but so do both my kids. Its not easy being away from them all this time but we both understood the risks when I signed up. I wanna thank all the spouses for their support, your soldier talks about you a lot to their buddies over here were just doing are job here and waiting to go home to our families. To every one else who supports us in their own ways, Thank You, we appreciate you, too.

  • Stephanie September 9, 2012, 9:32 am

    Having been a military wife for 21 years I can completely agree with this. I used to get so mad at the stupid things people would say about my husband or his job. We did what we had to to get through the deployments. I am proud of my husband and the job he did. And I am proud of my 2 nephews who are in the military. Anyone who cuts down the military and the job they do or their families better be ready to deal with me. We had our tough times but it was also a great 21 years and we wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was a great experience for our children as well. Thank you to all who serve!!

  • Jon Schneider November 21, 2013, 4:13 pm


  • Ireland September 4, 2017, 1:35 am

    We aren’t even together… he’s a bestfriend with romantic moments and periods. Jeez he hasn’t even been gone that long, he’s just in basic! He is the person who makes me feel safe and at home, I really miss him. He’s going to be home in a month, it’s only for a weekend but I can’t wait! God, he’s going to be gone until March of 2018, I sincerely doubt I can make it without him for another six months, hell I’m barely making it through four…

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