Your attitude is so important to being a successful Army wife! The Army is always throwing curve balls – training that lasts twice as long as it is suppose to, deployments that get extended just when you thought he was coming home and that occasional paycheck that never appears in your bank account. As an Army wife, you will definitely deal with your share of obstacles. How you come out in the end depends on the attitude you had going in.

Some of those I know who have being an Army wife down pat are those who see this as an adventure. And really when you think about it, it is just that! It is all in the way you look at things. Take the whole moving experience for example. You can look at it in two ways….

I cannot believe we just got PCS orders to move AGAIN! We haven’t even been here very long at all. Now I have to pack all of our things, say goodbye to another set of friends and move to this strange place. I heard the base is horrible and on base housing should be condemned even though there’s a 12 month waiting list. This is going to be the worst two years of my life.

Or….

Well, in the civilian world, you would have to take all this time off to research cities to see which one would be the best fit for your family. You have to spend precious time agonizing over the right decision, the right job, the right place. Not us! We get our direction on a little piece of paper called orders. They tell us where to go so we don’t have to decide. I get to meet new people every few years and now have a network of friends around the world. In all likelihood, I’ll never have to pay for a hotel room again because there’s not too many places we could go where there isn’t someone we know. My kids will learn to adapt to change well which will only help them when they graduate from college and enter the real world with their first job.

Ok, so maybe that one is a little too upbeat but you get the picture. Your mind and your attitude are very strong. If you tell yourself things are going to be horrible, then you will subconsciously search out things that will validate those beliefs. You will overlook the good and only search for the bad. But the same is also true in reverse. When you expect things to be exciting, you will search out things that will validate those beliefs as well.

There is an old story from a Chicken Soup for the Soul book that talks about a wife wrecking their car. When she tells her husband about it, she says there’s no need to be upset. We can have a wrecked car and be angry about it or we can have a wrecked car and be happy about it – either way we have a wrecked car.

So next time, you get that unexpected surprise from the Army….just tell yourself, we can be angry about this or happy about this but either way we still have our surprise. Wouldn’t you rather be happy?

I received this email and wanted to pass along the information about an additional source of support.

I am from the VA Medical Center in Memphis TN, and part of the research department.  We have begun  Telephone support groups for the spouses/significant others of service members who have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan.  Looking over your website and the large amount of great information you have available, I wanted to know if you would be willing to help get the word out to anyone who may benefit from this program.  It is free to those who are eligible and although we are located in Memphis the support groups are all done over the phone so there is no limit to who can be a part of this as long as they have a telephone.  The program runs for a year and the support groups are once a month.  They provide information on; post deployment concerns, stress symptoms and reactions, and coping skills (such as communication, stress reduction, and anger management).

Our website is  www.memphis.va.gov/spousebattlemind if you would like more information.

as submitted by Bill

I am not an Army wife.

The heading of this section, “Experiences of Army Wives” is why I’m writing.

I am an Army husband.

Consider the stresses of the Army wife, loneliness, sense of abandonment, and jealousy of their husbands’ freedom in their huge Army family.  Add the worry and the doubts about how important you really are to the person who leaves so often.

Then add the simple facts that at least 99% of supports that are out there are supports for women. Your wife trains with body armor and 50 cal machine guns and you’re at home making sure the kids have food, clean clothes and get an education.  I’m more “liberated” than most, but after a while it makes you start questioning your manhood. You joke to others about wearing an apron but you can’t avoid the embarrassment. Who can you call for support? An Army wife? No – - – - – not a good idea for so many reasons. Even if you do find another male in the same situation men find it real hard to talk about feelings.

Army wives feel more and more distressed as deployment time approaches. This is totally understandable, but it also happens to men. But the people around him are less accepting if he, a man, shows how he’s feeling or, God forbid, looks for support. Of course this is stereotyping but you can never completely be free of it, if not you then in others.

If there’s a point to this it is: Be aware of the Army husband and that he’s suffering too. Do what you can reasonably do to lend support if you’re so inclined. And maybe think of Army spouses as humans experiencing much of what you do, regardless of gender.

******
as submitted by Clenton

Hello, I am new to the Army Spouse world and I am a Army Husband with two kids. I was originally going to be the one to join the Army, but due to a medical condition, I was unable to pass the physical. So my wife had told me she would like to join and that she this is something that she would really love to do. I tried everything to talk her out of joining, because she was joining in a time of war, and she then told me her reasons for wanting to join, and they were to provide our family with a better life and provide our kids with a better future. One rule of being married to someone, is to support and back up your spouse in any decision they make and this was something she really wanted to do, so I started supporting her and even helped her study everything she needed to know before she joined, I would even quiz her on the info we had been studying.

I got called all kinds of names from Army Wife to House Wife by friends and co-workers, and I would joke back with them, but after while, it got old. But I didn’t let them drag me down, my wife and I didn’t make this decision to impress anybody, we made this decision to better ourselves and our family and it has. My wife and I had only been married for 5 yrs and we had 2 beautiful children when she decide to join. But while she was gone for boot camp, I really began to realize not only everything she had done for this family before she joined, but I realized how much I didn’t do and it was a big wake up call for me. So not only am I having to take care of everything she did before she left and taking care of our two kids, but I have really enjoyed it. It has giving me a chance to bond with my children. I didn’t realize how much I was going to miss her and it has not only changed me as a person, but made me a better father and husband.

After while you adjust and get used to the change, but it is not always easy. My wife was OSUT, meaning when she left for boot camp, she didn’t come home after boot camp, she went straight into AIT, about 17 weeks total. Well she graduated and was able to come home for Christmas for 2 weeks, then had to report to her duty station without the kids and I, and we had to wait in our home state until we got a house on base before we moved to her location.
Well her first day at her duty station was difficult for me, because I was so used to seeing her every day, and she wasn’t even able to talk much because of the briefing that she was going through. Well when I finally was able to talk to her later that night, she told me that they said that her unit will be deployed soon to Afghanistan. They told her that her first day back from training.

Yes we knew it was a good possibility of her being deployed, but I figured they would let her at least get her family moved up there with her and her be there for a few months before deploying her, so I am needing some words of advise, and I want to know how other Army Spouse’s handle the news of there spouse being deployed. I know it is very common for a soldier to be deployed, but this will be the first time for our family and I am trying to find a way to mentally prepare myself and our family for this. But it doesn’t bother me to be called an Army Spouse, I am proud of my soldier and will support her in any decision she makes.

Thank you

Since I started this website in 2004, I have received a handful of emails from Army husbands. Most (not all) have berated me for having a website geared towards Army wives and for forgetting about Army husbands. That’s not actually my intention at all.

Most of the articles on here are written from my perspective as an Army wife, hence the word “he” when referring to a soldier and “she” when referring to the spouse. It’s not meant to alienate any male spouses – its simply my perspective as a female married to an Army soldier. The same applies in referring to spouses and not spelling out through each article that the advice can apply to boyfriends, girlfriends, moms, dads, aunts, uncles, siblings, etc.

I have asked each Army husband who has written me to help to make a section on the website specifically for Army husbands. While I believe a large majority of issues that Army wives face are exactly the same that Army husbands face, I’m sure there are some exceptions. I want to be able to give a voice to the Army husbands who are out there but I can’t do it without their help as I obviously can’t write from a male perspective. Because my husband served in an all male special ops unit, I also don’t have any personal acquaintances that I can call on for help.

If you’re an Army husband (or any other family member who doesn’t feel represented on the site), please send me an email. Write an article. Type an email about your perspectives. Let others know why its different to be on the other side.

If you are not however willing to help, please do not send me an email full of attacks on my character, personality and abilities. While I welcome constructive criticism about the website as well as myself, I do not welcome it when the person delivering it has no desire to help to see their complaints addressed.

1. As an Army wife, your social security number is no longer valid as far as the Army is concerned. If they ask you for your social or your last four, they are asking you for HIS not yours.

2. Get your military ID as soon as possible. You can go to the closest military base (it does not have to be the same branch as your soldier) to have it made. Your soldier will send you the necessary paperwork to have this done.

3. Be sure to get a Power of Attorney so you can handle your husband’s affairs whenever he is gone. You’ll be surprised how often it comes in handy.

4. Know about all of your bills – how much, when they’re due, who they’re payable to, etc.

5. Know about all of your checking and savings accounts. Know how to balance a checkbook, where the extra checkbooks are kept, etc. Be sure your name is on all accounts.

6. Be sure you always let your key caller in your FRG know where you are when you will be out of town. At the very least, they will need a phone number so you can be contacted if needed. Units vary on who is allowed as the contact person with the FRG. Some allow any Army family member and some only allow Army wives.

7. In all likelihood, you will have to register yourself with Tricare each time you move to a new base.

8. If you are renting, be sure you have a military clause in your lease!

9. Put money away each paycheck for the little things that will come up related to his job – sewing on patches, dry cleaning, buying patches and equipment.

10. Do not talk about your husband’s deployments or training exercises publicly. You never know who may overhear you. For your own safety, you should try to prevent others from knowing when he is gone. This means driving both vehicles, etc.

This is an evolving list…..do you have other tips? Email me at stacey@marriedtothearmy.com