*This article discusses what happens if your soldier is KIA. It is not an easy subject to write about or read. You have been warned.*

Before your soldier deployed, he completed paperwork that listed who he wanted to be notified in the event that he was injured or killed during deployment. Many times, this also includes directions of how to get to that home as well as who he wants to be there with the family member during notification. This may also be done at the pre-deployment briefing.

If Your Soldier is Injured

Many times, they will do everything possible to let the soldier notify you of his injury via a phone call. If for some reason he is unable to make this notification himself, someone from the unit will call you. If the injury is very serious, it is possible they will send someone to tell you in person. Check with your unit to find out what the protocol is for notification of injuries.

If your soldier has to leave his current location for medical treatment, he will most likely be transported to Germany. Whether or not you are able to go depends on the seriousness of the injury and how long he will be in Germany. Some will get the treatment they need and return to their unit. Others may receive treatment and return to the states. If they expect he will be transported to the states, the Army will generally not arrange travel for the family. If he will be in Germany for an extended period of time, his unit may work with you to secure travel arrangements to see him. Again, this is a case by case basis.

If Your Soldier is Killed in Action

Notification of your soldier’s death will ALWAYS be made in person. These types of notifications will not be made over the telephone. They typically also will cut off communication from overseas until the notification can be made to ensure the family does not find out through other means.

Typically, someone from the unit along with a CAO (Casualty Assistance Officer) will go to the home of the primary and secondary next of kin to make the notification. They do not notify in the middle of the night. When they arrive, they will be in uniform. If you or your soldier has indicated that you want specific people to be there for the notification, those people may be there as well though they will generally not be at the door for the notification.

CAOs are trained to deal with a wide variety of situations. As you can imagine, people will react in different ways to receiving this news. The CAO is assigned to your family and will be there for you for months after your soldier’s death. They will physically be there with you to assist in funeral arrangements, transportation to Dover if you want to be there when the casket arrives, etc. They will also explain all benefits and what you can expect from the process. The CAO is basically a personal information officer during this time with answers to all questions.

I pray that you will never need this information. The most important thing to take from this article is that notifications of death are ALWAYS made in person. No one will ever call you with that news. In 99.99% of the cases, you will be notified before anyone else in the area (including the media) is made aware of what happened. If you have additional questions about notifications, check with your family readiness group (FRG).

Rumor Mill: Will my husband be sent home from deployment for the birth of our child? I heard they will for the first child but not for others.

Fact: Some units do in fact try to send soldiers home from deployment in time to witness the birth of their child (whether it is the first of fifth). My husband’s unit was one of these units. I don’t know a single father who missed the birth of his child while my husband served.

However, I also know that his unit is the exception to the rule and not the rule. For most units, it is difficult to ensure that the soldier is able to return for the birth of a baby. While the unit will generally try to schedule R&R time to coincide with the birth of the baby, this is not always possible. Even with the best of intentions, soldiers may not make it home in time to witness the birth.

Because of this, many hospitals (particularly military hospitals) are beginning to make special accommodations for fathers to be able to witness the birth of their sons and daughters. Through webcams and Skype, soldiers are able to witness the birth from thousands of miles away. If your soldier cannot be present for the birth, check into this options so he can be as close as possible when your new little one makes his entrance into the world.

Just within the last few weeks, I have heard from several Army spouses that their soldier has become the “lucky” recipient of deployment orders for the third or fourth time since 9/11. Going through one deployment is hard enough. But dealing with your third or fourth twelve plus month separation in the last nine years? That’s pretty tough.

While my husband also did multiple deployments, they were of a much shorter timeframe. So while I have some understanding of it, I never had to endure such long periods of separation due to deployment. His were in the four month range. I do, however, know what it feels like to be on constant countdown.

Counting down until he leaves…counting down until the next phone call…counting down until he comes home…I felt like all I ever did was count!

For those of you who are about to endure this (or already are), know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support from those who are around you. There are many people who want to help but just don’t know what to offer. Tell them what you need. There is no need to play superwoman and pile it all on yourself. Lean on others and let them lean on you. It is our support networks that get us through tough times and will continue to in the future.

If you know someone who is going through a deployment, pick up the phone just to chat. Send a card. Offer to take her kids so she can have two hours to enjoy a coffee and browse at the bookstore alone. Invite her for dinner. Just be a friend. Listen to her vent, cry, laugh and share. Be her rock when she needs you to be. Let her know you are there.

We must stick together and support each other.

from the June 2010 MTTA Newsletter

Most units will require the soldier to attend if the family members are unable to be there. If at all possible, you should try to attend the pre-deployment briefing. My husband’s unit always scheduled multiple times to accommodate different schedules. I always found the briefings to be useful.

This is my own experience with a pre-deployment briefing. The unit would go over some basics of the deployment giving us a general idea of where they would be, how long they would be gone and how they expected communication to be. They would also give us the address where we could write and send care packages. Their deployment address was the same every deployment. I can still use the same address to send to guys in his unit when they are gone.

They also brought in various people from post to speak about the services they offered. ACS, Tricare, Chaplain, Finance and several others were usually in attendance. They typically gave a quick overview of their services and how they could be reached during the deployment. JAG was also present to draw up Power of Attorneys and Wills for those who needed those documents.

In addition, we were always given our own chain of command with a chart that showed who we should contact if there were problems during the deployment. The chain of command for spouses was:

Spouse – Key Caller – FRG Leader – Rear D – Command

Even though some spouses circumvented this chain, it is best to stay within it so that things run smoothly during deployment.

We were also given a schedule of FRG meetings as well as when we would receive phone calls. For my husband’s unit, we received a phone call each time there was an injury in his unit. This differs by unit and I recently found out that this is not the norm for most units. If they don’t go over this information, ask to find out when you can expect phone calls from the FRG. We also received phone calls about events that were being hosted by the FRG. If for some reason, we didn’t have a phone call go out for two weeks, they would implement a welfare check where everyone was called just to check in.

Finally, they should go over the procedure about who you should notify if you go out of town. For us, we had to notify our key caller of an address and phone number of where we would be. Do not make your husband’s unit hunt you down if they need to get important information to you. Keep them informed of your whereabouts during a deployment.

The pre-deployment briefing is always very informative and gives you information and resources that can make the deployment easier for you and your family. Do not miss this opportunity.

When my soldier deploys overseas to a war zone, support is definitely a necessity. In my experience, those with the strongest support network are also the ones who survive the deployment experience the best and come out on the other end better for the experience.

Regardless of if you live on post or hundreds of miles away, building a support network is something that must be done. And contrary to popular belief, you do not have to live on post to get the support that you need.

Think about these possible support groups:

• Family
• Friends
• Other Army Spouses
• Family Readiness Group (Virtual FRG for those who don’t live close to post)
• Spouse Club
• Groups at your local armory
• Online groups: Facebook, message boards (Army Wife Chat)

For me, other Army spouses have always been the best source of support. While the ones I knew in person were often great, my online friends were the ones who also helped to get me through tough times. Often, they didn’t even realize what they were doing since I wasn’t allowed to explicitly say online that my husband was deployed.

If you are used to in person support, online support at first may not seem like a great alternative. But I found it to be very refreshing and I was able to ask questions and share thoughts that I may not otherwise want to do when I was face to face with friends. Not to mention, sometimes you just need to talk to someone who isn’t affiliated with your soldier’s unit.

Where have you gone for support? What avenues of support do you find best?

These stories were submitted by website visitors.

*****

as submitted by Karina

My fiancee is in the Army and this is his first deployment. He left at the end of January 2007, and came back for his mid-tour leave on April 6th for two weeks, then he went back and I wont see him again until next year, around Jan or the first week of Feb that’s if they don’t extend. I’m in the military as well. I’m in the Coast Guard, but even though I have a lot to do I still feel down at times, and picking myself up is hard and causes me tons of tears, questions and sleepless nights. What has helped me a lot though is working out.

When I’m at the gym my  purposes are:

1. To get rid of all the anger, stress, sadness and all the emotions that come within.

2. To get a nice body that I know my fiancee would love and admire.

Hope that helps, it has helped me and trust me, when he came back for his mid-tour leave, he noticed it all right, and told me that I look sexy. I got toned, got my stamina higher, lost a few pounds, and I actually do much more at work.

*****

as submitted by Pat

To stay busy during your husband’s deployment you can get more involved with your kids since it helps the whole family. I have 3 kids; a 16 year boy, and 7 & 9 yr old girls. I stay up and wait for my son to come home each night. Often the best conversations about his life are had over a late night snack. I also make sure to have girl’s days out with each of my daughters individually. Usually I take one girl each Saturday to help me do errands. We have a “special” lunch at their favorite fast food place and talk about them. My girls are also involved in 4-H (which supports military kids) and I go to the monthly meetings and volunteer wherever they need me. Make sure you have family dinners most days, and go to church on Sundays too.

One of my problems is sleeping alone while my husband is deployed. I shouldn’t have trouble (as I am always sleep deprived), but I couldn’t seem to fall asleep at night. Now I use the “herbal contour neck wrap”, from AAFES online for $27.95. When I go to bed at night, I lie on my side, and drape the neck wrap over my shoulder. The weight of it is like having your husbands arm around you, and the herbs in it make you sleep better. Make sure you keep it in a Ziploc bag during the days, so the herbs stay fresh.

*****

as submitted by Becky M.

As much as we like to pretend it isn’t true we are Military wives, and our life is an interesting mix of wonderful and terrifying. The deployments we face are challenges that most people will never have to deal with. It is hard it sometimes takes every bit of emotional strength we have, and sometimes it is so hard to deal with that it that we want to give up but even in the hardest times we face, we pull ourselves together and keep moving forward. We stay strong for our husbands and families, we know that it doesn’t help our soldier to hear us totally broken down, and we know that our families don’t understand what is happening as well as we do. They need us to be their rock, and sometimes it feels so unfair to have to be “fine” when we really aren’t, but we still put on the happy face when they need us, but behind closed doors we all break down, and we all have our ways of coping with the person we love being thousands of miles away. Those things we do for ourselves help us combat the fear and loneliness. Mostly for me it has been a learn as I go adventure, which hasn’t really worked out the greatest for me, I should have listened more to other wives about how they got through, because learning the hard way is not the smartest decision when you have other wives around to help you out and give you advice.

I am a military wife too and i know its rough to wake up every day not knowing what your husband is doing, where he is, or when he will be home. My hubby has been gone for a while now and its been hard, and really hard at times, but I’ve gotten through it mostly unscathed by doing a few things for myself every day, whether it be taking a bath, or sitting down with a cup of coffee and just taking some quiet time to reflect and deal with everything. The moments we steal for ourselves may be the best thing we have. We do get so wrapped up in making sure our husbands have everything they need, and that we are strong when he calls, that we tend to forget to take care of ourselves sometimes. When you spend all your time and energy making sure everyone else is set and forget yourself, eventually you won’t be able to be there for everyone else. So take the time to take care of you, make sure you are okay emotionally and physically, you may be everyone’s rock but you also have to be your own.

If you feel like crying, just take a minute and cry, it isn’t a crime to cry. Sometimes when I feel sad I will put on a sad song or movie and give my tears a little help coming out, because I too suffer from “too proud to cry syndrome” sometimes. I have learned that not all tears are bad, and that crying because I miss my husband isn’t selfish. If you are having one of those days where you have had about a million things go wrong and you wish with everything you have that your husband was there because he would make it all better, just let yourself cry, letting all those tears and emotions build up isn’t a good thing, when you let it build up and refuse to let it all out, it adds more stress that, trust me, you don’t need. Plus if you let it build up too much when it finally takes over, you will cry so hard and so long that you think it will never stop! I learned this lesson the hard way, it wasn’t very fun, and I don’t recommend learning the hard way.

Before my husband deployed I was convinced that I wouldn’t write many letters, I figured it would just be one more thing on the giant pile of stress that I was already dealing with, again I was wrong, I write a letter every night, sometimes more, and not because I know my husband loves getting letters, but because its like therapy. Well, ok it helps to know that my husband likes the letters, but that wouldn’t stop me from writing them. When something happens that I just have to share with my husband sometimes I just write him a short note or email, I’ll put the short note in the next envelope I send him a letter in. Letters don’t have to be three pages long to mean something, a sentence can mean more than three pages depending on what is said. I heard a song once that said “I can’t wait to recount them, it seems like nothing really happens until I shared it with you,” and I never believed that until I went through a deployment, but a lot of things happen in the months that they are away, and sometimes you get scared that things are changing too much and too fast while they are gone, but sharing the things that happen really makes it feel like they are involved more, even from half a world away.

Another thing that I am so grateful for is that I have a group of amazing friends here on post, the ones that have been there before give great advice, whether it be to not watch the news, or if it is how to get those customs declarations forms filled out properly to send that care package over there with out many problems. Other military wives are more understanding of what you are going through, they will listen, they will let you have your moment to cry or to be scared. Lots of time, if you are in need of assistance because something went wrong with your washer, that shelf you tried to hang yourself fell down for the tenth time today, or if your yard looks like a jungle, those that have husbands at home will lend them to you to help you.

One thing I really learned the hard way though, is that some people don’t understand or won’t understand how hard a deployment is on those at home, they think because we aren’t in danger that we have no reason to be stressed out and sad. I have had people tell me things like “You knew this was coming” or “You signed on for this.” Thanks for pointing that out people, yes we did know a deployment would come our way and yes its part of the military life, but that doesn’t make it easy. I find my self wanting to say “so you are saying because you see a baseball flying towards your face, when it hits you it shouldn’t hurt, because you saw it?” but I don’t because it isn’t worth the time, and if they are saying things like that, then they don’t need to be my friend anyway. I know that sounds mean, and I am to the point now where I don’t really care, again, we need to take care of ourselves, and listening to something like that is a step in the wrong direction.

On the same lines, there is a little game that I refuse to play, and it is played a lot in the military, I call it the “my life sucks more than yours” game. Its stupid. I don’t care what branch or MOS your husband is in, a separation is hard, no matter what. It could be a week, a month or a year, it is still hard. Sometimes it seems like a competition that basically revolves around who has the highest level of self pity. How is that helpful? It has become another way to find out who my friends really are. If someone is going to jump me because my husband’s deployments are shorter, they don’t need to be involved in my life. I really try to avoid that kind of negativity, because in the end it comes down to the old saying “misery loves company.” I don’t want to be that company.

In the end it will all be worth it when we see our husbands get off the plane or bus or whatever, but sometimes it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its there. Just do your best to take care of yourself while taking care of everyone else too, and be proud of yourself and how you are coping, deployment is a challenge and when you face it head on and get through it all you will find that you are a much stronger person than you ever imagined.

These tips were sent in by site visitors.

*****

as submitted by Rachel

The best way to show support, stay connected and maintain your relationship with your solider while they are being deployed is to buy as many phone cards as you can and send them to your loved one. Write them everyday and when you are sending them a package put all your letters in and write about your day and how much you love and sometime put a story that you really love that you guys did. Also add little things to you package things that will remind them of you or something that will make him laugh.

Take pictures of things he really likes doing. Like my husband loves to surf and ride his dirt bike so I took pictures of his friends surfing and I went to our local dirt track and took pictures of that.   To maintain a relationship you must stay truthful and find a good group of friends who will not make you go out at night or do what ever you are comfy doing. Write him your thoughts and make sure when he calls you pick up your phone.

Try to keep yourself busy so you don’t get down and start thinking about him and break down in tears. And where ever you go talk about him and how proud you are of him. Make him the king of the world. And when he calls tell him how much you love him and cant wait to see him.   I have stickers on my truck that say “Proud Army Wife” and “I love my Solider” and my sister in law also has a husband in the army and we like to make shirts and go shopping at the PX and such so just the little things show support towards your loved one. Show all the support you can give.

*****

as submitted by Kayla

Thanks to modern technology, the internet has been a godsend. I was searching for some Army things a few months before he deployed, and came across your web site and the board. I joined, not knowing what to expect or if I would even fit in. But I did join, and I have fit in nicely! Since I have a great that support base myself, I now know how to support him and am able to ask questions and get great ideas for care packages.

At first, when he wasn’t able to get online, I spent many hours writing long letters to him and sending those. Once he was able to get online, we began to chat on MSN Messenger and email just about every week, sometimes every day. He has sent me two web cam videos and hand written letters, and whenever I get those, I shout for joy like a kid in the candy aisle! Every day when I read the paper and find an interesting article, picture, or comic, I clip it out and save it for the next mailing or care package.

When I shop, I look for the little things that might be fun (like the cheap-o Wal Mart toys and gag gifts, something to pass the time over there for him) or that mean something to us. Baking is a favorite of mine, and he really enjoys whatever I send over, be it cookies, brownies, banana bread, whatever. It always gets eaten! Just staying positive, and through lots of prayer and encouraging Scriptures I write in random places, he and I stay in touch and stay connected.

*****

as submitted by Pat

This is my first deployment. My husband was in the Army years ago, then enlisted in the National Guard just before his 45^th birthday. He volunteered to deploy, and did so just 6 weeks after enlisting (due to his prior service).  Being in the National Guard there aren’t any other wives close by, the Armory is 1 ½ hours away for me.

Our family is very active in our church. To stay connected as a family, and with the church, I write weekly “letters” on the church bulletins during the service. They aren’t very long since there isn’t a lot of “white space” on the bulletin anyway. I just include things about the kids and the church service. The kids in our church all get clipboards with activities, so our kids draw pictures and add their own “letters”  to Dad on the coloring sheets provided.

Each Monday I mail all of this to my husband. He loves getting a handwritten letter each week (which I know he cherishes and saves). I get a way to occupy my time so I don’t notice how lonely I am without him sitting beside me in that pew.

*****

as submitted by Kristi

I wanted to share one thing my husband and I do to help make things easier while hes away for long periods of time.  He buys a new white pillow case and writes me a love letter on it with a fabric marker.  Before he leaves he puts it on a pillow and leaves it on his side of the bed.  While he’s gone I have something from him to hold onto, sleep next to and cry on.  Sometimes I go as far as spraying his cologne all over it =).

*****

as submitted by Jessica

I’m lucky because my boyfriend can get on MSN messenger to chat quite regularly. I have to alter my sleeping patterns sometimes or rearrange times but I count myself among the blessed because I can talk to him. Anyway sometimes we play this game and that’s I would like to share. We use music trivia but you can do it with several other things. Here’s how we play. one of us starts and gives the lyrics to a song. if the other can guess then its their turn and no one scores. But if the other cannot get it then the they owe the one asking a kiss. Then they go again until the person who got it wrong gets on right. If the score is something like 3 to 5 then the 3 cancel out and its 0 to 2. Then when they get home either for their midtour leave or for good then you settle the score. I think its a fun little game and it gets us laughing at the random off the wall songs we chose so that the other one wont get it.

*****

as submitted by Brooke

I feel we have been successful at staying connected, as well as growing closer together during this time. We made a pact to keep communication open and honest–even if I feel like I’m losing my mind, i am always honest about what i am going through (good or bad) as is he. I did have one particular tip to add to the list of ways to stay connected during deployment—and this may seem a little strange, but it helped me immensely. Every few months he sends me a t-shirt he has worn for a day or two, per my request. He packages it up in a gallon size zip lock to “lock” in his smell…it is soo wonderful to open the package and smell him all over the shirt. it always brings tears, but in a good way. I love the smell of him…the “Jeff smell”..mixed with hints of his deodorant and cologne. I then use the shirt as a pillowcase until the smell fades. I realize this may seem a bit strange to some, but for me having the smell of him makes me feel soo much closer to him. It stirs up all the comfort and excitement I feel when he is actually home.

*****

as submitted by Meghan

I just want to say I love you website! I am always getting ideas off of it, because of that I wanted to send you one idea that I came up with. My husband and I are always on the go so I have been collecting post cards from everywhere we have gone for about the past 6 months even if it is just a museum or something around town when ever I see a post card I grab it. I have been writing the date that I bought the post card and what we did that day on all of them. My plan is to send them out through out his deployment so that he can look at the post cards and remember all the fun we have together. Then when he gets home I plan on making a scrapbook out of them so we can remember our year in post cards forever. Hope this idea helps someone else. Thank you so much for all the time you have put into your website it has def. helped me over the years!

Part Two of Two

I have received hundreds of emails about my opinion on who should attend homecoming ceremonies. In addition, it is by far the most popular post on my blog and has drawn a wide variety of comments. I have received praise and disgust from spouses and parents of soldiers for my opinion on the issue. And that is okay. I fully expected there would be some who wouldn’t agree with my opinion.

There is one part at the end of the article that I think gets overlooked many times. Or perhaps those who are angry over my opinion can no longer see straight by the time they get to the end of the article. This is the part that I want to further expand on and be sure that it is addressed because in my opinion, it is the most important part of my opinion. I believe it is something that ALL parents and spouses can agree on as well.

If all else fails, then follow the wishes of the soldier.

As I stated before, with my husband’s unit, we were rarely given enough notice for anyone to come to welcome him home. On more than one occasion, I got a phone call from him saying “I’m home, come pick me up.” I had a general idea (think two week window) of when he was coming home but we typically weren’t given an exact date or time until the last possible minute, if at all. So this was really never an issue for us unless someone wanted to just come and camp out at our house for a bit in hopes they would be there when I received the phone call.

But I realize that most units do not operate like this and even though dates and times may change ten times, the family is given notice of when their soldier will arrive. I stand by my opinion that if he is married, the wife and children should be there to greet him and if he is single, the parents, significant other and friends should be there. What absolutely should NOT happen is for the soldier to come home and have no one there to greet him. I have never felt so sorry for soldiers in my life as to witness a homecoming ceremony where no one was there to greet them.

I know some parents and spouses alike take issue with my opinion on who should be there. That is why I said and will say once again, if all else fails, then follow the wishes of the soldier. If your soldier says he wants his English teacher from 10th grade to be at his homecoming ceremony, then do everything in your power to make sure that happens. After all, it is HIS homecoming ceremony and whoever he wants to be present, should be there to greet him when he returns. However, at the same time, if he says he only wants certain people to be there, then follow those wishes as well. The homecoming ceremony is really not about you as the family member, it is about him and his return back to the states.

Each soldier deals with his return differently. While some are thrilled to be surrounded by lots of immediate and extended family members when they return, for others, this is too overwhelming and he would prefer a smaller gathering. This was my husband’s case. If we had been able to have time to arrange it, he would still have preferred that I was the only one there. He felt like he needed time to decompress before being surrounded by a lot of people again. Had he said that he wanted everyone there (and we were given enough notice to arrange it), I certainly would have done my best to make sure everyone was there.

Let me also say something else. I have received emails from soldiers who have had my original article forwarded to them by a family member. Quite a few were asking for advice of how to play referee between their wives and their parents. In these cases, the soldiers only wanted their wives (and kids in some cases) present. They told everyone about their preference, only to later find out that their wives were being blamed (sometimes relentlessly) for HIS decision by his parents. This was causing considerable strain, not only in their marriage, but also in their relationship with their parents, for the soldier. The last thing any of us wants is for the soldier’s mind to be somewhere else when he is overseas. If he indicates who he wants to be there, then please do not start placing blame on other parties or berate him for his decision. It can be discussed when he’s safely back home again.

One final point and then I will put the issue to rest. Some soldiers who wish to have a smaller reception of people at the homecoming ceremony, only need 24-48 hours until they are ready to see everyone else. Some may need weeks. By stating my opinion about who should be at the actual ceremony, I am by no means saying that you shouldn’t see your soldier at all when he returns. All I am saying is to give him the space that he would like – whether that’s no time, 30 minutes, a few days or a few weeks.

To conclude, let me say once again, if all else fails, follow the wishes of your soldier.

Part One of Two

In the past few weeks, I’ve received multiple emails from Army wives asking how to handle other people wanting to be at the homecoming from deployment or when their soldier comes home for R&R. I promised to address it in a more “open” manner than just emailing a response back to them so here I am. Now, before I begin, I realize my opinion may not be a popular one, particularly among the parents of married soldiers. But its just that – my opinion – so take it or leave it!

Also, my husband’s unit does things differently than most. For one, they don’t get R&R. So I’ve never had a happy reunion or tearful goodbye at the airport, although I’ve witnessed many. Two, we don’t have ceremonies when they leave or return. When he leaves, I drop him off at the company area and when he returns, I just get a call where he says “I’m home, come pick me up!”. I used to wish that we would have at least a homecoming ceremony, until I went to one for a friend. Then I was glad we don’t have them. That’s torture to have to stare at your soldier and not be allowed to run up to him!

I suppose I’ve stalled enough! So on to the real issue. In MY opinion, only the immediate family should be there for the soldier’s return. If he’s single, then that’s his parents, siblings and fiancee or girlfriend if he has one. However, if he’s married, then his immediate family is his wife and children. I can just hear all the parents now getting ready to ream me a new one.

I realize it is hard on everyone when a soldier is deployed. I don’t have kids so obviously I’ve never had a son who deployed so I can’t speak to those emotions. But I do know that unless he moved out of his parent’s house just before the deployment then the big void laid with his immediate family – his wife and kids. They are the ones who have dealt day to day without his presence. It is their household that was effected when he left. His wife is the one who slept in an empty bed and handled many of his responsibilities at home. His kids are the ones who no longer had their dad to tuck them in at night. And that household will also be the one that has to deal with his readjustment after he gets home.

I believe the homecoming should be for them. They should have, at the very least, a few days to reunite on their own terms without worrying about others being there. They need time to adjust and time to reconnect with each other. Not to worry about entertaining guests. My in-laws have been very respectful about this and have never come to one of his homecomings. And I am eternally grateful for that. We need that time for us.

Sadly, I’ve known many who have had to go to extremes to see that this happens such as keeping the date of the return a secret or adding two weeks to it. To all the parents who may be reading this (and I’m sure are steaming mad now), please, at the very least, find out what the wishes of your soldier are and respect whatever it is. Dealing with a redeployment and the huge range of emotions is difficult enough without adding unneeded drama to the situation.

So there you have my opinion on the matter. And you’re more than welcome to leave comments if you wish. I’m a big girl – I can handle it!

(See part two on homecoming ceremonies)

Sesame Street has partnered with Wal-Mart to make a deployment kit available to all military families with children. This kit contains a Sesame Street DVD, a Parent/Caregiver magazine, and a child’s activity poster. The DVD is available in English and Spanish and is targeted to children between the ages of 3 & 5. It discusses the ways to cope with the unique feelings and concerns that children have through each phase of deployment: pre-deployment, deployment and homecoming.

To request your kit or to download the materials online, please visit the Sesame Street website.