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Ask An Army Spouse: Divorce in the Army

Tricare

My daughter is 18 years old and was talked into marriage by a guy serving in the Army. He was in Afghanistan. She stayed by the computer everyday just to speak with him. He is getting back to Tenn. January 4 and yesterday morning calls her to say he doesn’t want her to come down to be with him because she is only 18 and he will be going out to bars that she cant get into. Now he says he wants a divorce after one month.

She has a medical condition she has had for years and we dropped her from our insurance when they got married. He has not supported her at all and he says she can get nothing. What are we supposed to do? Turns out this is his second marriage and he’s only 23. He even talked her into tattooing his name on her. I just feel like he really messed her life up. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have known better but there has to be something we can do.

*****
That is really sad. It sounds like he married her just for the extra pay. He should have been providing her some financial support as he did get extra money for being married in the form of BAH (housing allowance). If they were married during the deployment, he also received a separation allowance while he was gone.

If she files for divorce, she should speak to her lawyer about that – it can be sent directly to her as an allotment from his paycheck until the divorce is final and any alimony is set up. I’m very sorry that she is dealing with this. In these types of cases, the Chaplain on post can also typically be of some assistance. If for nothing else, he can provide the moral support she may need at this time.

If she’s going to be attending college, is it possible you can add her back to your insurance plan? I think most plans say the college student has to be unmarried but I don’t recall seeing a clause where she can’t have been married in the past. Of course, this can vary by plan so it would be best to check with your insurance plan. It’s also possible she may be able to get coverage through the CHCBP program under Tricare which provides temporary coverage after normal coverage has lapsed. However, it’s not without cost and can be rather expensive.

I hope she’s able to get her life back on track after all that she’s been through with him.

ask-army-spouse-divorce

Filing for Divorce from Soldier

Well my husband and I have been married for a little over a year. The day after we were married he was sent to Iraq and he came back after about 4 months on injury. I tried to go see him but couldn’t and he “claims” to not have had leave and when I asked him to let me move with him when he was getting moved to GA, he said no. I have been catching him lying to me a lot and seeing new girls on his facebook and him talking to girls on the phone calling them “babe”. When I confronted him about it all he said was “oh I call all the girls in my phone that”. Really?!

Well I haven’t seen him since the morning after we were married and we are now separated but not legally.. I get an $850 housing allowance from him but I want to move on with my life but because of money he doesn’t want to get divorced. Is there any way I can move on and not get in trouble with owing the state money or something? I would like to move on and continue my life without the crying and headaches. Any advice will help. Thanks!

*****
As long as he is stateside, you can serve him with divorce papers. And that’s exactly what I would do. There’s no reason to be treated as poorly as he is treating with you for a “financial benefit” from being married. It sounds like he wants to be single based on his actions, so help him out in that regard and serve him papers.

Leaving Him & Taking the Child

My husband of 6 years told me that I have to be at this duty station with him. I’m here against my will , and have wanted a divorce for the past year, after being away from him and realizing I deserve to not be emotionally or physically abused . He deployed and I moved back to our home state for a little over a year.

I’m now at the new station with him thinking it might have been a bad choice to move . Can I take our son and move home? Do I have to be here ? I feel lied to and upset. Out of the 6 years married we have lived together a total of around 3.

*****
If it was only you, you could certainly leave no problem. But because there’s a child involved, it’s more complicated. I recommend you contact an attorney and find out what your options may be. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

JAG & Filing for Divorce

My brother and his wife have filed for divorce. Both are in the military, but she was stationed overseas. She will be returning soon, and he’s hoping to finish up the divorce process. Does JAG has anything to do with this? The petition for the divorce was filed almost a year ago, but since she’s oversea, it was hard getting it done. Can anyone help me out with this?

*****
JAG generally only provides advice to military members but will refer out to civilian attorneys. I have heard of some cases where JAG has handled the divorce because it was not contested and very cut and dry. In most situations, they would only offer advice and not actually handle the divorce itself.

Divorce While Living in Germany

Hello I needed to ask a couple of ?s. Me and my husband just aren’t working out. He’s not giving me any money what so ever, basically all he does it put food in the house (that’s what he calls supporting me) and it’s only food he likes to eat. I’m stuck over here in Germany with no money or car; I’m trying to go back home to the states, basically get EROT.

I’ve asked him to just send me home but he won’t; nor will he help with the EROT process because he’s collecting all the extra money if he’s getting any. What all do I have to do for this process to get completed the fastest way possible and how long does it take? And if I divorce him do I get BAH for a certain about time after the divorce?

*******

There are no guarantees on how much you will receive after you divorce. It will depend on the divorce settlement. I would recommend you speak to JAG and the Chaplain about finding a resolution, including finding a way to return home.

Soldier Has Disappeared

I cannot locate my military husband . He left me shortly after joining the military to ft hood texas……when i tried to call his battery, they refused to tell me any info. His UNIT is 600 miles from where i am living… I tried calling red cross…they told me they cannot tell me his whereabouts but they can give him a message to call me. He never did….He just stopped my BAH recently. What can i do? How can i get a divorce? I have no money or income.

*****
I’m sorry this has happened to you. If it were me, I would try to call the Chaplain for his unit to enlist his assistance. You may also contact JAG. If all else fails, contact a civilian attorney to start your divorce proceedings. Typically, JAG will not get involved except in rare circumstances with the divorce proceedings. You will need a civilian attorney.

Good luck.

About the author: Stacey is an Army wife of a soldier who joined in 2003. He has since been medically retired but she continues to provide information to Army wives and families to make their adjustment to the Army lifestyle easier. Connect with Stacey: Facebook Twitter Pinterest

{ 23 comments… add one }

  • Angie April 6, 2011, 6:07 pm

    Maybe make sure his unit is notified about the divorce, too, so he can’t continue to receive BAH and Family Sep.

    That guy is a jerk – and not at all indicative of the real men in the military.

  • Delilah October 1, 2011, 11:24 pm

    This story of your daughter sounds so typical of those who encounter these common cockroaches! It sounds like she is going to have to accept her losses and move on. Your daughter has been taken advantage of and pushed aside it appears, but don’t fear: this also is no unfamilar story and many survive it! She was taken advantage of as many of these wives like her are! Best she can do is move on and accept the losses and not look back because only she can make life better by accepting this was a horrid mistake. She is not the first hopeful wife to endure lying, drinking, tattooing, and screwing! These dreadful actions usually come with the majority of these insects! Unfortunately, he will move on to his next prey! So sorry for your family!

  • Kerry January 24, 2012, 12:11 am

    I am married to an Army man…almost 3 years now. Funny thing is all of those guys have this raging suspision that the WOMEN are the messed up ones! The familiar story goes, the man goes off for deployment, and the wife spends all their money and/or cheats on them. Well, my husband went to Iraq for a year and I did neither. I barely even bought anything for myself. In a year, I bought one pair of flats from payless and a couple shirts from the NEX, yet my husband said I was spending money like crazy. I think they are all just paranoid to be honest. I spent money on diapers, baby food, and groceries but because my husband wasn’t there to oversee it, he was suspicious. When it comes to divorce in the Army, the wife IS entiled to a lot more than what the man would like you to think. Though, it depends on what rank your huband is currently in. For an E5, Sgt. a single woman (meaning without child) can get up to 700 a month just be being a dependent. That is if you are not currently working. With a child, or children I’m sure its much more. Let me make this absolutely clear though….when splitting up almost EVERY man in the Army will tell you that you are not entitled to anything but they are just trying to make you think that, because they are trying to protect their own assets. A couple of my army wife friends have gone through this, but trust me….DO NOT listen to them…you are entitled to more than you think!

  • Kristen January 30, 2012, 3:32 pm

    You need to tell her to take it to his command. The higher the rank status the better. I would go directly to his 1SG & Commander. If he hasn’t paid her a cent while he was deployed, he will have to pay her back. There is a set amount that is entitled specifically to the Army members dependents. The Army is really good about protecting the families, just make sure to keep your composure & be polite… They do not like messing with rude, pushy, drama- like wives & they will be more willing to help. I would tell them exactly what happened & how he used her & that all she wants is what is what she should have gotten all along. Guys like this are real jerks & severely immature. Some people blame the military because this seems to be one of the many bad trends… I do believe these soldiers who do things like this are a bad influence to other soldiers, however I believe it is more so the age & level of maturity. Hopefully guys like this eventually see their wrong doings & mature to real men. Good luck!

  • crystal February 15, 2012, 7:16 pm

    CAN ANYONE GIVE ME SUM GREAT ADVISE, I NEED TO KNOW YOUR OPINION ON IF YOUR SPOUSE ADMITTED CHEATING ON YOU AND HAD A CHILD WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN AND HES COMING BACK FROM AFGHAN IN LIKE A MONTH.. MY STUFF IS IN HAWAII AND I WANT MY THINGS THEY R IN STORAGE THERE, AND HE SAYS HE WILL HAVE ARMY SHIP THEM TO ME BUT IM THINKN THEY WONT BECAUZ WE R STATIONED IN HAWAII AND HAVE ONE YEAR LEFT AND IM BAK IN THE STATES. I DONT HAVE A CAR I AM LIVING WITH MY MOTHER THE ONLY THING I GET IS 700 A MTH AND THATS IT PLUS MY INS. CAN U PLEASE GIVE ME SUM SERIOUS ADVISE.. THANK S SO MUCH

  • Chad February 28, 2012, 7:09 pm

    You could get a job and move out of your Mom’s house. You can join the Army yourself and get your own benefits that nobody can take away from you. You will lose the $700 if you get divorced then its up to the court if you get anything else. You can go after a portion of his retirement if you want but you don’t get that until he retires. I would say getting a job is your best route. For your stuff, they will ship it. Call the transportation office in Hawaii and set up a ship date. He will prob need to help but his rear Commander should be able to help out too. Call your FRG leader and ask for some assistance from the rear Command.

    SFC Retired

  • Lexi March 27, 2012, 9:18 pm

    Before I forget,
    Chad- I’m pretty sure you have to be married for 10 years before you can claim a portion of his retirement.

    Everyone else is 100% correct, you are entitled to BAH & a portion of his extra deployment pay. He sounds like a real jerk! I agree with mom too, she should have realized something was odd. It’s generally crazy wives that make the rest of us look bad but I suppose every crazy woman has to have a crazy brother somewhere!

    As far as insurance goes so long as she is in school she’s covered until 25, or maybe it’s 23?? It would be worth her going to school for the insurance. Or maybe get a job? Banks typically have good insurance, I’ve worked in banking since 2007.

  • Jennifer May 29, 2012, 9:53 pm

    I wish I could find useful information regarding being a Military Spouse, Spousal Support, Military Divorce Lawyers, and more without having to spend hours navigating through “I love my Soldier” websites. I’m sorry, but not only have I personally been lied to and cheated on repeatedly by “my soldier” but almost every ARMY soldier I have run into has been a lying/cheating/both bastard. As for the FRG, not only do those wives seem to be elitist jerks, when you truly need support (say after a miscarriage while your spouse is deployed, then on top of that he tells you he doesn’t want to talk about it and you later find out he started chatting up other women saying he’s getting a divorce) they’re never there to talk to or assist. ESPECIALLY the officer’s wives. When you’re a house-wife/mother with no income except your husband’s, and he told you to turn down a job offer because of pregnancy, then cuts you and the kids off financially, where are the lawyers willing to help a peniless military spouse? I’m sorry to sound so bitter (and it’s not JUST the Army men, but also the women who lie and cheat, who use their job to get out of leases when they blow their funds and can’t pay rent, who get Military Assistance after they buy a brand new car and can’t afford the payments). I have been living a nightmare of stress and depression for over 2 years, and everytime I look for help, all I see are sites like this about how great Soldiers are.

    • Stacey May 31, 2012, 9:30 pm

      I’m sorry for the situation you’ve experienced but I’ve had the exact opposite experience with Army soldiers and their spouses. It’s obvious you’re bitter about what’s going on and I’m sorry you can’t find the help you need. However, I don’t see how you coming here to complain about my site helping many others accomplishes anything at all.

  • Jennifer June 1, 2012, 12:58 am

    Yes, I am “bitter”. I am angry that the Military takes in children fresh from school or home who don’t know how to manage finances for the future, and doesn’t have MANDATORY COURSES to teach them how to protect themselves and their families. I’m angry that they are EXPECTED to get assistance if they need it, then are DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY by their chain of command because the courses offered are during regular working hours, and the officers rarely release the soldiers to attend. Not just courses, but seeking legal assistance from JAG when needed, going to DEERS or TriCare, being able to attend hospital appointments with your spouse, and any number of other things that need to be done between the hours of 7-4. Whenever I look for sites to help with any given situation regarding being a military spouse, I find sites that claim that any irresponsible or reprehensible acts are through the minority and not the majority, and yet I am constantly given proof about how those “good soldiers” are fiscally irresponsible, use their job to get out of leases, marry people for more money, abandon their responsibilities to their family AND themselves, are constantly being pulled out of trouble for sexual indiscretions and mismanagement of funds/breaking contracts, and more.

    Could you tell me truly and honestly that this is 100% inaccurate? That the majority of Soldiers, male and female, are happily married and financially secure? That the divorce rate is non-existent, no one is paying Child Support for children born in and out of wedlock, and Soldiers aren’t being assisted out of trouble when they cannot pay their loans or fulfill their leases? Can you tell me soldiers do not enter into Contract/false Marriages, especially before deployment, for the extra pay With or Without their spouse’s willing involvement?
    If you cannot, then tell me why it’s so hard to find sites for all military installations outlining Spousal Support rates, with and without dependants. Where’s the section for the men and women who have been lied to, cheated on, and abandoned that are looking for assistance to protect the rights of their kids and themselves? Married life is not all sunshine and lollipops, especially not Military married life, and it is the majority, not the minority, that faces these issues every day and need the most help, whether their spouse is at home or deployed. It is not complaining to find fault with a site for people “married to the army” that does NOT address these popular and very difficult issues in depth merely because the creator seems to be content.

    What I have read on your site has mostly been common sense. If you come to a site designed to help spouses through hard times only to tell them to stop complaining, or to one-up them, you are a moron. Everyone deals with situations differently. None of us are mentally/emotionally/physically identical in every way. We all feel, experience, and express things in different ways. I do not hate anyone. I do not have a problem with ALL SOLDIERS, anymore than I have a problem with ALL LAWYERS. I base MY opinion on MY experiences and knowledge. I do not think all soldiers are the same. I think even good people can be financially insecure, and that bad people can have happy marriages. I don’t even think every branch of the military is the same or has the same issues. What I have a problem with on THIS SITE is the lack of information for marriages that AREN’T happy/healthy/loving and almost only dealing with separation from your soldier and how to deal with it.
    I have an issue with responses such as;
    “You could get a job and move out of your Mom’s house. You can join the Army yourself and get your own benefits…”
    “It would be worth her going to school for the insurance…”
    “The Army is really good about protecting the families…”
    “It sounds like she is going to have to accept her losses and move on…Best she can do is move on and accept the losses and not look back because only she can make life better by accepting this was a horrid mistake. She is not the first…”

    1. Finding a job is NOT easy, especially if you are either inexperienced, under educated, or both. Sometimes, you live with your parents because you CAN’T move out. If it were so easy, no one would live with their parents except bums or the people living there to assist their loved ones. If you are not physically or mentally capable of entering into Active Military Service, joining the ARMY is ALSO not a viable option. Might as well shoot for the stars and say, “Invent something, become a millionaire, and move to Hawaii.” That could be as simple as moving out, getting a job, or joining the ARMY for the average person.
    2. I personally have wanted to enroll in college since I was in HS, but 10 years later I still am incapable of even taking online courses. I cannot afford a $1 mouthguard for sleep, much less tuition or any kind of loan. Every penny I have goes towards food, clothes, gas, the kids, and any miscellaneous expenses (like my lawyer) to pop up. I know many other people who either don’t have the education, time, energy, or funds to enroll in any type of online or offline courses, even with “assistance” (like loans you need to make payments on).
    3. When it comes to a soldier not paying his bills or spousal support, and depending how much he owes or how long it’s been going on, among other factors, this is the issue; The Army at least, if not every branch of the military, is looking for EVERY EXCUSE to get rid of people that it can. As JAG told me yesterday… bringing up my husband’s unpaid bills with the unpaid spousal support may end up getting him an Article 15, kicked out of the ARMY and me NOTHING. Not only is it mandatory to take a class/watch a video about divorce BEFORE you can even schedule an appt with JAG/ ask questions regarding divorce, but if your spouse speaks with them first, JAG can no longer assist you. I would say, for the most part, the military is NOT good on protecting the families of soldiers so much as protecting the soldiers and the reputation of the Armed Services.
    4. Sometimes, accepting your losses and moving on, isn’t possible. When you’re thousands of dollars in debt thanks to your spouse, jobless, pregnant with children, in the middle of a court case regarding custody of your kids and facing not only losing medical coverage for the kids and yourself, but losing custody of your children because you cannot support them, calling your losses IS NOT AN OPTION. When your “Hero” walks out on you and cuts you off emotionally and financially, YOU have to become your own hero, and FIGHTING is the ONLY option. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need help. It doesn’t mean we can do everything or know everything on our own.

    Even if I get no help, I would expect to effect change where people who come AFTER me can at least get assistance where before none was offered. For the ones who are not as vocal as I have had to become yet, I will voice the questions and speak about the difficult situations so that maybe SOMEONE somewhere will open their eyes. It’s fine if you love your soldier and have had a good life and are trying to help others cope with the stresses of training, deployment, separation. But add a little empathy, or even sympathy, to those who aren’t so lucky in love. Add some information for those who made mistakes and are doing their best to move forward, make their lives better, and get free from the bad situation they find themselves in.
    Whether it’s information about pro-bono/reduced fee lawyers for military divorces, letting spouses know they are entitled to spousal support, and how much, if they are living separate from their soldier (due to pending divorce or just PCS’ing), that in cases of divorce, if you or your spouse spent all the money on vehicles and guns or ANYTHING during your marriage, they are considered Marital Assets to be divided, and also any debt is also considered Marital Debt when incurred during the marriage. Any helpful information for people “Married to the ARMY” and trying to get out without losing everything… We are people, too. We have rights, though we may be lied to by our spouses and told we do not. And even those “happily married” soldiers can tell people lies for their battle buddies, as I have experienced as well.

    • Stacey June 1, 2012, 7:37 am

      This site does not have to be everything to everyone. For instance, I don’t know much about PTSD and TBI, which are obviously huge areas of concern in the military. So if someone comes to me about that, I send them to my friend’s site where that’s all she talks about.

      You do realize that this is not an official site in any way and I am paying for this site and all that entails out of my pocket to have people like you come here and tell me “you are a moron”. Gee, thanks. And the comments you mentioned were made by visitors, not me. I allow those just as I’ve allowed yours.

      Do I think all soldiers are saints? Of course not. Do I think divorce doesn’t exist? Of course not. But I also don’t expect things to be any different from the civilian population just because someone signed on the dotted line. The kinds of things you mentioned happen everywhere, regardless of occupation.

      I don’t know of a civilian employer that requires mandatory classes to learn to take care of your family or be financially responsible. I also don’t know of a civilian employer who will get all involved in an employee’s divorce. I don’t know why people expect the military to function outside of that same role. They do offer other services but they don’t HAVE to. My civilian boss doesn’t let me take off work whenever I want to get my personal stuff done. He pays me to do my job, not run errands.

      So no there’s no big section here for military divorce. There are sections here on my experience as being married to the Army. If there’s an experience on here other than my own, it’s because someone else wrote it or was interviewed for it. I’m not an attorney and will not give out legal advice. Even the things you mentioned about being fact during a military divorce will vary by state.

      Im sorry you’re going through a divorce but all I see in your rant is blame on everyone else. You’re not taking any responsibility for anything. I have no idea what lead to your divorce but my “moron” advice would be that you need to start focusing on what you can do to turn your life around instead of blaming others because you have no education and no money.

      If you want a site on military divorce, start one. There are free blog sites out there…you won’t need anything to do it other than an Internet connection, which you obviously have. Write about what you are going through and what you are learning. At the very least, it may be therapeutic to you.

  • Beth June 1, 2012, 8:47 am

    Um Jennifer, I am sorry you’ve had such a horrible experience but the programs you mentioned are available. There is a financial responsibility class available through ACS, no they don’t require soldiers to take it but it is called being an adult and admitting you need help. My FRG was there for me with my miscarriage, yes even those evil officer wives, but only after they got done sucking blood out of puppies and kittens.

    1. Jobs are available. I got a job in 2 months in Germany in a area that many say is impossible to get a job. Yeah it wasn’t my ideal but sometimes you go for the less desirable. Mcdonalds and Walmart are always hiring. Waitressing is a job that requires no skill. Again it isn’t ideal but there are jobs for those who seek them.

    2. MYCAA. If you didn’t take advantage of it, and it was plastered every where so don’t say you don’t know anything about it. That was your loss. 6000 for school for free for military spouses.

    3. JAG by definition is for soldiers not for family, nor has it ever been advertised as such it is there to protect the interest of the soldier. In order for you to protect your own interests get a lawyer who has no interest in the army whatsoever. If you want an army program to assist you go to the Family Advocacy located at ACS. They provide support both financial and emotional.

    All the information could have been given with a short trip to the ACS building. Sorry no one held your hand but if you are adult enough to get married guess what you are able to go and find the resources you need to succeed. I did with little to no help. Grow up and take responsibility.

    Sorry you found a shitbag but you picked him and you married him.

    Stacey/MTTA- you are providing an amazing service. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to do this website. It is an incredible resource of information for those who need it.

  • Lexi June 1, 2012, 12:18 pm

    Yeah Beth!!! I started a reply last night but got frustrated and deleted it. Looks like great minds think alike! :)
    You can’t say all Officers and FRG’s stink, you haven’t met them all! I will agree, some aren’t the best but they are better than nothing.
    My husband left for Basic the week after graduating HS. Yes, he knew nothing about money and that’s why we didn’t get married at 18…we weren’t ready! Five years later, when he was a 23 year old 2 deployments (so far) SGT and I was a 24 year old with some job skills then we were ready. I’m awesome at the budget so that’s my responsibility. I still don’t feel we are financially able to afford kids yet so I take the adult path and am on birth control. Novel idea, I know.
    Getting a job: I found my current position in retail in one trip to the mall. I don’t LOVE retail but it helps pay the bills. Have you tried ACS Employment Readiness? I’ve now got my store advertising positions at ER. Did you take advantage of the time you were unemployed by volunteering? Most places on post will even pay for childcare. I tell wives all the time “I can’t and won’t help people that don’t help themselves” resources are out there and if you don’t use them shame on you. A job/money/lawyer isn’t going to fall into your lap! You have to help yourself, use your (FREE) resources the Army provides, put on your big girl panties and do something!! Is your husband not making enough money? Help him study for the board, make sure he looks great everyday by helping with uniform maintenance, guide him to AFTB if he needs more points, help with his Company and dress decently while doing so. We have study groups prepping for the E-6 board right now. I swear I’ve studied enough I could pass for them!! Sounds like you should take AFTB together, it’ll help everyone involved.

    I could keep going but I’ve gotta get ready for work.

  • Lexi June 1, 2012, 12:24 pm

    P.S. I am proud to say I’m madly in love with my Soldier, WE are financially responsible and thriving in the Army and civilian world! Believe it or not, it is possible!! And yes, when he goes to the field for two months or more at a time I do go home and stay with my parents!

  • Jennifer June 1, 2012, 4:29 pm

    1. I said it’s that “if you come to a site…to tell people to stop complaining or one up them you are a moron”. If you took offense, does that mean you are one of those morons, or did you not truly pay attention to what I said?
    If someone comes to your page asking about PTSD you have a link, but not for general information regarding Military Divorce, which MANY lawyers will tell you there are differences from civilian divorce. What I expect from a site created by Anyone called “married to the army” to have is as much pertinent information as the author of the site can find about the subject they are discussing, not just their personal experience, but all information they can find. I expect it to be open and willing to Expand it’s knowledge base, even if only by adding links others might find helpful, with maybe an explanation that they are not knowledgeable, as you did with your friend’s link. As I said, I would expect to have effected Change for others who come to your site looking for this information since you have titled it as you have. Otherwise, you are little better than someone writing about Marriage in general, with no real content beyond speaking of common sense and common courtesy to your fellow human beings.
    Personally, I don’t know of a lot of civilian careers that will interfere in traffic violations, breaking leases/contracts when their employees can’t pay, or make their employees work 24hours without sleep. Even truck drivers and people traveling on business are given time to sleep. For what the military asks of it’s “employees” it IS held to entirely different standard of responsibilities than a civilian job, such as the soldier and family medical benefits and sign on bonuses, or work placement assistance for those leaving the Military.

    Most civilian jobs Do allow for not Only vacation and Medical LOA’s, but civilian employers have and do allow employees “sick” days where they don’t have to arrive at work at 5am and wait ’til 7 to report to sick call to prove they aren’t AWOL. There are So Many differences between a civilian job and a military career, it is laughable to compare what the different responsibilities are or should be expected for each.
    Regarding what I wrote about Military divorce, I listed No Facts, which shows you weren’t paying attention. I stated a fact that No Matter What State you are in, you ARE entitled THROUGH THE ARMY, to Spousal Support when you are Living Separate from your spouse, Regardless of Divorce! What state you are in has no bearing, because it’s not governed by the state. Also, I’m ANY divorce, what is bought during your marriage is considered a marital asset, and debts are marital debts. I didn’t say you are entitled to half of everything or responsible for half of everything, I was making others aware that they Do have the right to request a division of those assets and debts.
    If you think that me saying (to paraphrase) it’s fine if you love your soldier and are in a happy relationship, but add information and sympathy for those who aren’t so lucky, who made mistakes and are trying to move forward and make things better as a generalization, as me “blaming everyone else and not taking any responsibility” you seriously need to get your eyes checked. Saying that I have no education because I made reference to not having attended college at this time is rude and insensitive, especially as I referenced it in response to attending school for insurance purposes.
    If you want to write a site about being married to the army and open to the public, expect to have people take issue with a lack of information, or expressing their opinions as well as those who think they have all the answers…
    As for Beth. When my husband requested help, and found those programs, he was assured time to attend but then was never permitted the time off to do so. Again, and again, he has needed to attend courses or appointments but been told he could not go when the time arrived. My comment regarding my experiences with the FRG was in direct response to Chad, and I admit not all FRG groups are the same, just the 2 I have so far been involved with. Whether it’s because that is how those particular women were, or because I was unable to find the time or money to attend FRG events and therefore considered uninterested, I have no idea.
    During my miscarriage, my husband was deployed. He then told me he didn’t want to talk about it, started an online relationship with another woman, and eventually told me he wanted a divorce because his chain of command told him to. During all the stresses between that and other issues, I tried contacting the FRG for assistance and was given the run around by the old and new PoC. Also, the soldier on duty the night of the miscarriage that stayed with me at the hospital, his wife eventually called me months after to harass me because she mistakenly thought he was fucking me, though I only met him that one time.
    1. There are jobs available, but there are not enough jobs for everyone who is looking. As someone who Worked at Wal Mart, and enjoyed the experience there, you implied it is not an ideal job. In any job there are good and bad sides, and for the most part I enjoyed the people despite being a storewide BITch (backroom inventory tech). Also, since I was last employed (and never been fired) I myself have applied to every store, fast food restaurant, and position I could find, online and off, and for reference there are about 7+ Wal-Mart’s alone in my general area, and received only 1 callback (which I had to turn down right before orientation). I have friends and family that apply every day to every available job and have for years, and still not received positions even at BK or Wally World due to the thousands of applicants. Congrats on getting that “impossible” job, but just because others haven’t been so fortunate doesn’t mean they aren’t looking.
    2. I have No Idea what that is, even now. If it was before Dec. ’09 there’s no reason I should know about it. Since then, I have asked around about attending schooling, even of my PoC and been told only that my husband would have to be with the Military 10yrs for me to take advantage of certain benefits. Also, plastered everywhere does not include my e-mails, mail, Facebook or any other media that has reached me via friends or family or my own research. Nor do I spend my free time trying to take advantage of gov’t programs that other people may be more entitled to than me, such as food stamps and WIC. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make it on my own, but still considering that others need help too. I don’t turn my nose up at those more disadvantaged then me and say they’re not trying hard enough, as you seem to be doing with me.
    3. As for JAG, someone said the military was good at protecting the families of soldiers, but I think what you just said proves my point further that the military protects itself and its soldiers, not the soldiers family. Finding a lawyer who has nothing to do with the military is idiotic, as I have said before that a military spouse does have rights a civilian spouse does not in some instances that a state lawyer alone would not be aware of, such as spousal support which is not governed by the state, as some states do not have alimony, and military spousal support is not for After divorce but during times of living separately and is enforced by the military, not the civilian government. If finding a lawyer to represent you were so easy, everyone would be represented. Over the last year or two, in my area I have contacted dozens of attorney’s offices regarding divorce and child custody over the phone and maybe 50 more through the internet. I have researched reduced fee, assisted, and pro-bono legal assistance for custody, relocation, and divorce. Legal Assistance/aid refuses to get involved in cases involving custody issues, by the way, at least in this state, and cannot afford a 3-5k retainer which is required upfront. I have been in contact with both Army Community Service and Family Advocacy, but when the resources are not available to them they cannot share them with you. If I expected someone to hold my hand I would not be doing my own research into protecting myself and my children. If I had no care for the people.who come after me I would not bother to post my opinions to people on a site that doesn’t give a shit. What I do and say I don’t do for you, I do it for the people looking for info or as fed up as myself. To have people like you try to tell us (in essence) that we are not allowed to feel angry or get offended because we are the one’s to blame for our situation is similar to telling someone who was raped that they were asking for it, as if we can control another person’s actions against us. Yes, we had the misfortune of picking people who aren’t right for us and are suffering the consequences, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to ask for help in correcting our mistakes. It’s never wrong to look for help when you realize you can’t do it alone, especially when you have the wellbeing of others to worry about as well, such as children. Not everyone can do everything that you can. The same opportunities and resources don’t exist for all. I have a family who loves and does their best to help, where as other women are completely alone. My mother is sick and on unemployment, but she’s still willing to drive 11 hours one way to help me with court, the kids, and the pregnancy for the next 2 months. I know a woman who was 15, pregnant, and homeless who has accomplished so much in the last 20 years, that also had the fortune to find a lawyer willing to go the extra mile for a woman in need. There is so much the same and so much different in everyone’s situation that telling them “I did it” and “take responsibility” when they are doing their best and things still aren’t coming together for them is conceited.
    Lexi.
    1. My husband was with the army 2 years and was 21 when we were married. My idea that the military should teach these boys financial responsibility is the gov’t willingness to keep bailing it’s soldiers out of trouble rather than letting them learn from their mistakes, as they have to in the civilian world or suffer the consequences.
    2.There is a court order in place that prevents using free post childcare, or any childcare outside of family members named in the order, and some of that “family” is part of the reason I quit my job in the first place. Do not assume you know my situation or what I have had to do to protect my family, and what I haven’t done.
    3. I, and all my siblings were conceived on birth control, so no… Using birth control is not a novel concept. My children are also not mistakes, though their father’s are. It does take 2 to create a child and as such the responsibility should not solely be upon the mother just because she does not find it as simple to walk away when things get tough. Marriages fail, People get laid off, and sometimes the financially stable become unstable. Having children when they were doing fine, then finding themselves in a different situation does not make the decision to HAVE children in the first place a stupid one. Some women wait too long only to find out they are incapable of conceiving or even carrying a child to term, but I don’t disparage their choice. You and Beth are similar in acting superior simply because of your own situations working out as they have. Your assumptions about my situation show me how little you know. You think you are offering helpful advice, but your disdain for others shiws clearly through your words. While you claim that I blame others for my situation, you appear to blame only me, or people in similar situations. Get off your high horse and really look at what I have said versus what you have said. I have admitted that not all FRG groups are the same and that I spoke from my own experiences. I have even said that, yes, I am bitter at this moment. I am in the Middle of a motion to relocate with my eldest child to my husband’s new duty station that he has been at since the end of March, and invested several thousand dollars I cannot get back now. On top of that, most of my personal belongings were moved with my husband (as the army only pays once), and the money I put into the house we leased I will now not get back since my husband went behind my back and got on post housing and had his officer break his lease. I have NOT been given the new address, and I have to find out everything that is happening through in-laws and my almost-landlord, and my husband who was supposed to be saving money for us to move out there and join him has blown every penny he made on everything BUT bills and spousal support. I am surviving on my father’s charity (we owe him 11k), and my credit card to support myself and my kids. My body is in fullblown starvation mode, and my kidneys are failing due to something that is not supposed to be possible according to the military doctors. In my Freetime when I am not raising a toddler and a 6mo old, taking care of what bills I can and doing my best to research options, I am NOT volunteering. There are some people who feel they have something to offer others while they themselves are struggling, but I am not one of them. My needs are few and selfish. I want to protect the mental and physical health of myself and my children, save every penny I have for the goals and security of our future, and repay all my debts before I die (whenever that may be). I live with my father out in the country, and borrow his car for necessities such as appointments and picking up my daughter from her dad’s. I don’t have the money to be philanthropic. Much as I don’t have money or availability for FRG activities such as bowling or BBQ’s.

    ALSO, I HAVE SUPPORTED MY HUSBAND THROUGH OUT OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE, BEEN FAITHFUL, CLEANED AND HUNG HIS UNIFORMS, FOUND ITEMS HE LOST IN PLAIN SIGHT, FORGIVEN HIM REPEATEDLY AND DONE EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF TO MAKE HIM HAPPY AMD HIS LIFE EASIER. It is HIS choice to spend his money on junk food even when I make him breakfast and lunch to take to work. It is HIS choice to buy guns and trucks and movies and forget to pay bills that our names are on so that I have to drain my savings accounts to pay them off. It is HIS CHOICE to overeat and never exercise to the point they put him on remedial every day, put him on the fatboy program, threaten to chapter him out of the military, and then come home exhausted every night. Yes, it was my mistake and misfortune to marry a man who claimed to love me and my child every day for the first 11mo we were married, only to find out I married a lie. Shame on me for being so stupid as to believe it, I must be a stupid (*edited by admin for offensiveness*) for falling in love and not being able to read minds. I should be God and control my partner’s every thought/emotion/action. I am fully responsible for everything that has happened to me, and you women are the kindest and most understanding bitches in the universe. If you can’t taste my sarcasm, you need a lobotomy. I have grown up, and faced my situation, and am doing MY utmost to come out still standing on my own two feet. If I were to start another website based on Any topic that allows anyone to comment, I would at the very least listen to what people had to say and try to understand why they were saying it before telling them their situation is their own fault, to deal with it as everyone else does, and to basically shut up about it once I’ve had my say. I would be willing to expand my knowledge base and include new information to my site periodically when it’s brought to my attention that something is missing that may be pertinent to what my site discusses. Also, I wouldn’t assume to know someone’s situation and lecture them on what they should or should not do or say just because I was luckier in life. You take exception to me saying how I feel and what I’ve experienced, and my desire to make a change in a public forum. I take exception to your high and mighty attitudes that because my situation has not so simply been resolved that I must not be doing everything in my power or trying to help myself, and that I MUST be looking for handouts even though YOU are the ones talking about how I should be ashamed of NOT taking the handouts from programs that would be available to You, or that I had not previously been aware of. You think you are helping people but it’s just another form.of one-upmanship. Instead of saying, “I have it so much worse, stop complaining” it’s, “I haven’t had those problems, you must be doing something wrong, stop complaining”.

  • Diane June 1, 2012, 4:45 pm

    Jennifer – a) take a breath and step away from the computer. b) I doubt anyone took the time to read everything you wrote. We all realize you hate this website so why do you continue commenting, in book form? and finally, c) divorce is a STATE LAW issue, there is not a separate system for military divorce. Yes, there may be different facts in a military divorce but there are often unique facts in civilian divorces as well. For this website to include all facets of “military” divorce would be a big job since all 50 states have their own laws on this. And this is a website called “MARRIED to the Army” not “Divorcing the Army”. Like suggested previously, maybe you should create such a website and pay out of pocket for it yourself instead of harassing the owner of this site.

    Honestly, I wouldn’t blame the owner for deleting your comments based purely on your offensive language. Grow up.

    • Jennifer June 1, 2012, 6:59 pm

      As you probably didnt bother to read it, your advise to me to grow up I redirect at you. Where I have the common decency to listen to what others have written, whether I agree with it or not, you feel you can jump on the bandwagon of disapproval without even knowing what it is you are disapproving of. Again, what I posted isn’t for you. It’s for the people who come after me looking for similar answers, and the hope that people who take it upon themselves to offer advice at least acknowledge other’s opinions, and maybe take an interest or give a nod of the head to people looking for something they misguidedly thought would be even slightly covered. Yes, divorce is a state issue, but you should speak to an actual military divorce lawyer about the differences between a civilian spouse’s rights and a military spouse’s rights. In regards to Married to the army, not divorcing the army, you can’t have divorce without marriage. I never asked the creator to put in information for all states about divorce, I asked why a site regarding being married in the army would have no links to a spouse’s rights or information a spouse would be looking for regarding issues that could lead to divorce, and expressed disdain for the fact that I keep running into sights for Military Wives or Spouses that brush off the issue rather than confronting it and offer no resources for finding real answers. With the comments on this page alone about how we “should have known” or aren’t “taking responsibility”, or the clever advice being offered as if we have no common sense. Yes, a job and our own insurance would be great! It’s just not happening! Yeah, having a college degree would be awesome, it’s just not in my cards! I am working with what I’ve got. It’s not a lot, but it’s all I have. I haven’t asked for handouts, and I haven’t received any. I search for the truth, and I live with the consequences of my choices, but I don’t give up hope for a better future. I don’t pray to God to solve all my problems, but I do pray for patience and understanding for myself and others to whatever power will listen. I tell my children I love them, take care of them with everything in me, and work to secure their happiness, but I don’t expect the world to be any fairer to them than it has been to.me, only that they be strong enough to survive and fight for what they believe in.

  • Nicole June 1, 2012, 6:19 pm

    Jennifer, I have to say I share the sentiment of what the other ladies say. I doubt though that there is nothing here anyone is going to say that is going to help your personal problems. One cannot blame any one entity, object, situation or body for just those problems. Perhaps if you had not rushed into the relationship to begin with but rather gotten to know the said individual better to begin with, you would not find yourself in the predictament you are currently in, a marriage takes two people and their are two people in it. If it isn’t working out you have to look at yourself first before you blame outside forces and entities. Your words quite frankly speak for themselves and the hostility, anger, resentment is easy to pick up on. The Army isn’t gonna hold your hand, and it certainly isn’t Burger King where you can always have it your way. If your not happy, then do something about it, the change starts with you, why should the Army do for you what you apparently haven’t even bothered to do for yourself first. The programs available to yes even spouses in the Army are there to EMPOWER, and ENABLE you to stand on your own two feet, A divorce is not a military issue , it’s a civil matter. In addition the ones you are calling high and mighty just might be wise beyond their years through lots of experience and have lots of advice to give if one would just take the time to listen without such a snarky demeanor and attitude, otherwise no amount of advice given is gonna is gonna help you no matter where you look for it. Do everyone a favor and step away from the computer and take a deep breath.

  • Megan June 1, 2012, 10:00 pm

    Jennifer,

    1) It is fairly obvious that you have some anger issues towards your husband. Take those out on him and not the admin of the site, please. She does the best she can to provide valid, up to date information for wives.

    2) The Army actually does not dictate what you get in a divorce. Nowhere does the Army provide a regulation stating what the spouse should get from the soldier in a divorce decree. AR 608-99 covers the legal obligations of soldiers PENDING a decision on the divorce.

  • Susan June 21, 2013, 5:18 am

    Holy cannoli! Jennifer…I sure hope it worked out for you. As a small act of solidarity, I will say that 1) I love my soldier dearly (even though we are now in counseling) and 2) I am shocked to hear what goes on in his battery! The way people spouse swap, cheat, lie, treat women like they are disposable, cover up for each other when they date or sleep with other women, and generally belittle women is incredible!

    I know a small handful of young men that are genuinely respectful, but the rest of them talk about women like they are things to be manipulated, played with, and it’s laughable to them how easily young womenare deceived. I stopped going to meetings and participating in events because, frankly being around them made me ill. The influence of his unit has put a strain on our marriage (which I pray cane be repaired).

    I have infinite respect for soldiers and their duty, but there seems to be very little respect for the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

    My husband, who initially wanted to stay in the Army as a career is now ETSg (using his GI BIll to attend college and may rejoin another branch after obtaining his degree) because, in part, even he has become uncomfortable with the general behavior.

    Now, on the other hand, ACS has been wonderful. They offer free counseling (couple and individual). There are military spouse education programs. I ALWAYS see jobs on http://www.usajobs.gov for childcare services, commissary, shopettes, etc. The FRG has been hit or miss, but all in all it is a group of ladies doing their best to get along in a forced situation.

    I am grateful for sites like these and the women who diligently maintain them, especially as a spouse who works out of the house full-time and cannot make any briefings or FRG meetings because they are always held during the work day (and I work about two hours from post so taking off early or coming in late is not always an option).

    Even with all of that said, it was an honor and a privilege to be an Army wife…if even for a few short years. It has been the most challenging, frustrating, nerveracking, thankless, depressing…yet honorable, valuable, and eye-opening experience I’ve ever had.

    You want to learn something about yourself? Marry, at 37, a soldier who joined the military for the first time, at 35…give up your professional job, sell your house, leave your life, and move OCONUS for his first duty station! I take responsibility. Those were my choices and they were mighty difficult, but I would do it again for him and for the Army.

    Even with the bad apples, and there are a lot!, the Army is still there to protect all of us and our freedom. It deserves our respect. ETSg will be bittersweet for us both, for sure.

    The best of luck to all military spouses (scorned and not), now and always.

  • AnnMarie February 7, 2014, 10:49 am

    What can i do if any thing abt my cheating husband, i moved out and hes not paying for our children and still getting the money for us, not living on base. he just filed for our kids on his taxes. is there any thing i can do??

  • Joseline May 18, 2014, 4:53 am

    Im so happy to have read some of these comments because they give me hope. Me and my ex partner are talking about divorce or (fighting about divorce) really, and I am 26 weeks pregnant. He says that he will be granted full custody of our daughter and that I won’t receive anything for the divorce. He’s told me he will basically have me out on the streets once the divorce happens. He wants to deploy for more money, and I’m happy to hear that a judge won’t give full custody to someone that is likely to deploy. I want my daughter to have both of us in her life but I fear he doesn’t feel the same. I am not working and have not been able to finish a college education while I have been married to this man, so I am without any financial assistance. One thing I am wondering is if we divorce before the baby is born, would I have to live on the streets before getting child support? Or Will the judge grant me child support before she is born? I want to make sure I can take care of myself while I am pregnant, and have a financial foundation set for when she is born.

  • Tyi August 27, 2014, 9:18 am

    I am 19 years old and I have been married to a soldier for one year and a month. He has been nothing but disrespectful to me. He rushed to marry me and a few months he started lying to me. He lied about the people he were with and later asked for a divorce. After asking for a divorce this girl who stated she was a friend added me on a social network just to broadcast that they were together. So I asked were they. The girl not only told me they were together but she told me they were engaged. She said they have been engaged for months. He has not given me not one thing since he has been in the military. He deploys next month to go to Afghanistan. What should I do about getting a divorce because I deserve something.

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