I have run into this so much lately in both real life and online. Why do military wives (actually this is anyone connected to a soldier but I’m going to just say wives to keep it simple!) feel the need to one up each other for who has the worst situation? Let me give you a few examples of what I’m referring to.
Comments I’ve overheard around other military wives or witnessed on message boards:
1. “You sure are lucky your husband only deploys for 3-4 months at a time. My life is much harder than yours because my soldier deploys for xx months.” Please keep in mind that soldiers with shorter deployment schedules also usually have more frequent deployment schedules.
2. “My husband is in the field for two weeks. We’ve never been apart before and I don’t know how to cope. Any tips?” This could just as easily read basic training, any school, etc. The reactions from others: “Be happy he’s not in a war zone.” or “Get over it, you signed on for this life.” or “My husband’s been deployed for XX months. You have it so easy, quit complaining.”
3. “I miss my husband so much! I can’t wait until this deployment is over. These last few months are dragging by.” The reactions? “You should just be happy it is almost over. I’m just beginning this deployment. Want to trade places with me?” or “My friend’s husband just left for nine months, you only have a few months to go? What a piece of cake.”
Do you notice anything here? Now of course not all of the comments received are so spiteful but it amazes me that these women are replied to with any of these types of comments. As military wives, we are suppose to be SUPPORTIVE of each other. We should do what we can to help a fellow military spouse through whatever it is she is enduring especially if we can offer been there, done that advice. Why do we feel the need to play the “who’s got it worse” game?
Separations from our loved ones are separations period. It doesn’t matter if it’s for two weeks or two years, if its for basic training, deployment or an overseas duty assignment, it is still a separation. No matter which of these situations it is, we all know what it is like to have to sleep in an empty bed, to wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was all a bad dream until you roll over and once again, he’s not there, to jump every time the phone rings hoping its him and to panic every time the doorbell rings hoping you won’t find someone in a dress uniform on the other side.
Even more recently, I was approached with the sentiment that Army parents have it much harder during deployments than Army wives because I can just replace my husband if he is killed. Wow! Let’s just say I’m sure you could see the steam coming from my ears with that one. I’m not here to debate who has it harder. But no life is replaceable and had they really thought about it, they would see how ridiculous that statement is since every husband is someone’s son!
We all share common ground and we can make our military communities stronger by being supportive of one another. Reach out to the wife who’s having a hard time dealing with her husband at basic training. It wasn’t that long ago when you were there, remember? Take the time to offer some tips to the wife who is about to endure her first deployment. Just imagine the impact you may have on someone for them to know that a complete stranger cares about their well being and wants to be sure they are okay.
Stepping down from my soapbox….
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
kudos to you! My sentiments exactly! I’m so happy to have found this site. Finally, someone who thinks the same as I do. One could easily catch a verbal lashing on the last forum I was on for saying the missed their soldier, or not understanding something, or feeling any kinda way really. lol.
Thanks!
Welcome aboard!
I totally agree. I think its crazy how some people try to one up each other. I try my hardest not to one up and just to be a friend to the army wives that are having a bad day or hard deployment. a conversation between me and a friend me: ” i wonder why he hasnt called today. he always calls about this time”. my friend: “well at least he calls you everyday. i’m lucky to get one once a week”. she could have easily said “well i’m sure he was just tired and went to bed or is busy. he’ll call”. Gotta love how some army wives are though. I love being an army wife and wouldnt trade the world for my soldier. Yeah the deployments are hard and sometimes you cry a little more than normal but its an awesome life and i wouldnt change anything about it… thanks for letting me tell my story.
That is absolutely true! I am also very happy to have found this site. WE should all be supportive of each other, no matter how far and spread apart across the land we are.
Wow! I couldn’t agree with you more. My mother-in-law, a military wife herself, actually said that one to me once too, that it is much harder for a mother than for a wife, because as a wife we chose to marry a soldier and that’s where our paycheck comes from. OUCH! I was really upset that she would say something like that to me and I wonder if she would have liked it if her husbands mother had said that to her when they were newly married.
I agree, we all need to be there for each other and be supportive. We’re all in the same boat, one way or another.
Thanks for saying what a lot of us were already thinking!
I see this with everything from the yards, to the horror stories, to kids. It seems to be a trend and is making newer Army wives just stop talking to anyone which is terrible! Kudos to ya lady and this is a great site!!
Thanks!
OMG, you are so right! I will never forget when my husband was stationed in Korea and it got to the point where I almost felt embarrased to say he was in Korea and not deployed, almost. My husband was on order for Korea before the Iraq war had started, he decided not to take mid tour leave because we felt it would just be too difficult for the kids when he had to leave again “what a mistake that was”. Two months before he was due to come home the Iraq war started and since the Army was short handed they extended the people in Korea so my husband was extended for 6 months making it a total of 18 months without leave. Of course I was happy that he was safe in Korea but it got really old when someone would ask me if my husband was deployed and I would say “well, he’s in Korea” and they would say “Oh, well you should be so happy that he’s not in Iraq my husband was been gone for three weeks and I am going crazy”. I just wanted to scream, my children who were 1, 3 and 4 years old at the time didn’t know the difference. All they knew was that daddy was gone and to be honest after 18 months of him being gone my 1 year old almost didnt even know who daddy was. So yea, gone is gone and it ALL sucks. I can’t stand it when I hear someone tell a new Army wife that she needs to suck it up and get used to it, I mean really. Do any of us ever really get used to our husbands being gone?
Thank goodness…I have been running into similar issues. My husband and I were recently married. Two months later we were moved and two months after that he was sent to train soldiers for a month. He was working from 5am to 8pm because they are so short handed and I believe that the command has some serious organizational issues. He is now in training from Jan- March and gets to come home almost every weekend. In April he will go to JRTC in CA for a month. In August he will go to Iraq. I am new and I didn’t get much of that honey moon stage before we were taken for this ride. My husband has encouraged me to find assistance from other spouses and FRG members. I spoke to my FRG leader seeking consolement and she didn’t offer much help and my husband got in trouble from her husband the next day because I spoke out. I then sought help from the “supportive” groups on facebook. One lady said that I was looking to be coddled and that I was a disappointment to my soldier and that being an Army wife meant that I needed to be stronger. I just can’t believe how negative a majority of military spouses that I have met are. They were telling others on the page similar or worse things. I just want to know that it is ok to worry and have a place to share those worries and vent without being made to feel like such a failure as an army wife. It is nice to read the stories that others have posted here…thank you!
This probably has nothing to do with the post, but I am curious and need some answers. My husband is considering joinging the Army, and as it stands will be signing up next week. As his wife, I see all the benefits and perks, etc. but what I DONT see are the cons…of course theres the fear of death or paralysis, etc. but dealing with the absence of my husband and dealing with raising my kids alone. Im used to being a single mom, but how bad emotionally is it REALLY?….can someone please tell me the 110% TRUTH so i can either encourage or deter him from signing up…please!
Thank you,
-C.
Deployments suck plain and simple. There are days when you will wish he had never joined. But it’s also just a matter of learning how to deal with it and you become stronger because of it. I wouldn’t trade my experiences as an Army wife for anything.
I am proud to be an army wife. When my Hubby deploys I feel as though I am fighting for this country too! I have become a much stronger women. I also realize how much I need my husband. Going through deployments are heartbreaking, lonely and seem like an eternity. But the pros are you make great girl friends that last a life time. Stronger bonds with women that you really can not find anywhere else. They become your family and quickly I might add. I am not going to lie, there are times when I feel that my husband is married to the Army, but I do understand that is his job and he does this for us and our country and his fellow soldiers. I love being an Army wife. I am a strong women. I am proud of my husband and my children and other amy wives they are soldiers too! We are a team!
It is exactly what you make it. Decide to be miserable, and you will be. Decide to cope, and you will. Decide to complain, and you will drive everyone away. Decide that you can manage, you can survive, you can cope, and you will! Yes, it is hard, but so is marriage, so is absent husband – regardless of the work he is in. Think truck drivers wives/families have it easy? Think the wives of men who travel for work all the time have it easy? I am the wife of a retired military man, and I was his wife through all the years of Vietnam, alerts, TDY’s, deployments, etc — the first 20 years we were married, we lived together about 9 years! Take advantage of the help and understanding that the military organizations offer families. Go to work, go to school, learn to sew, learn to stay busy – the time will pass faster, the phone calls will be filled with something other than complaints!!! Accept that he will change — you need to change too! Let every return home be another honeymoon — let every departure be a promise!
PS> We just celebrated our 47th anniversary, you can too!
Congrats on 47 years!
I am so happy to have found this site! You are doing such a GREAT thing here. My hubby is getting ready to leave for BCT in May. We have 3 babies, 3-2 and 1 year olds. I was expressing my concern one day to his recruiter as I had some other questions for him, and he told me that most Army wives just have to learn how to suck it up and become more independant. That made me so mad, he has no idea how close my boys are to their dad, or what kind of person I am for that matter. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed as the DD gets closer, as life with 3 babies is hard enough with him home! It is a breath of fresh air to come to this site, and begin to feel a little more prepared. I will be buying your book very soon! THANK YOU!
Thank you so much!
I dont even know how I came across this site but I am thankful that I did. My husband has been gone for two weeks and he is at basic training at Fort Benning, Georgia. The first few days were the worst. We have two kids and they ask for their dad a lot and its painful to see and witness that because they are too young to understand why their dad is gone. My brother in law arrived at Afghanistan yesterday (his second deployment) he will be gone for 7 months. His wife is taking it hard and I try and support her and be there for her. She did the same to me when my husband left for basic training. My sister in law is also an Army wife and she has been showing support even before my husband left for basic. Since I am experiencing separation from my husband I also plan to encourage and support new Army wives who are about to go through what I already am experiencing. i think this site is wonderful and its a great way to reach out to other women and men that are experiencing the same thing that I am. It’s somewhat good and a comfort to know that I am not the only one going through this and that I can relate to other women and men.
Hey ladies! Because of this post, I thought maybe this is a more welcoming place than the last one I found. I am not an Army wife (YET) but have the upmost respect for all of you. My husband is currently in the process of enlisting. He was set to enlist when we gave birth to our 2 sons (16 months apart) and now he’s currently trying to lose the weight and be in better physical shape to enlist.
I was asking on another site if anyone had advice for either of us. Recruiters arent willing to work with him yet (due to weight) and since Im not a AW yet, noone will talk to me. Im a “planner” and I know that in the Army I need to learn to be more flexible but I’d love some advice to start. DH is interested in being a Cav Scout. How do we tell family & friends? How do we prepare our children (oldest is 7 & 2 under the age of 3)? When should I start preparing my house to move? Any advice for him during this weightloss journey to enlist to follow his dream to serve this country?
Thank you so much! God bless you all, your husbands & your families!
Kudos to your hubby for making an excellent decision, and to you for all your support!
I’m not really familiar with ARMY standards/regulations as we have been a Navy family, but I believe the PFT standards are what your husband should be working towards. I believe there are age groups in which push-ups/curl-ups have mandatory numbers and the 2-mile runs have time limits. Your husband can start there
The recruiting office should also be able to provide you with more information; if the one you go to isn’t very helpful, you can always go to another one 
Good luck to you, your husband and your family!
Support is not an Army Value unless you are physically under fire.
A good rule is that the other person’s problem is always more serious than your own. Forget this and you will often be reminded.
I couldn’t agree with you more, I’m very new to being an army wife and will admit that I have been having a tough time getting into the swing of things. I moved 6000 miles away from my family and friends, and of course I would follow my husband anywhere and not trade him for the world!- but I have been getting home sick, and in a couple weeks he will be going to a training course for 26 days. He just got home from deployment in July and as silly as it might sound, I feel like I am losing him again. I have tried talking to other wives about how I am feeling, all of who have been army wives for much longer than I, and of course the responses are exactly as you were saying; “well you have to support your husband in everything he does,” (DUH!) and “…you knew what you signed up for when you got married..” Yes of course I will support my husband in absolutely everything he chooses to do, and yes I knew that things like this would come up. But that doesn’t make being in an empty home, and waking up in an empty bed any easier. It gets very frustrating sometimes to feel like you have to be an emotionless robot. I have always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and as much as I try to not let my husband see me upset about these things, having no other support makes that difficult. I don’t think any of us should have to be alone in anything we do. The more support we provide each other, the better. We shouldn’t feel alone in this and it is not a competition.
I’m a new Army wife as well! My husband was prior Navy when we got married but has since switched branches. It’s tough–I am still new at separations. He just left for Basic on Monday, and since then I have not slept and could not keep from bawling my eyes out.
As women, we really need to show much more compassion to each other than what I have been seeing–it’s really not about who is suffering more because in the end, we are all on the same team!
Just because we signed on the dotted line, doesn’t mean we could ever be emotionally prepared to sleep alone, wake up alone, and carry on with life while our other half is somewhere else in the world.
Hope you are adjusting well to the military wife life
Take it one day at a time!
Couldn’t agree with you more! Being the ones left behind is hard enough, let’s keep all the negativity and bad karma outta here! Regardless of branch, rank, or role (gf, wife, etc), we’re all part of the “Silent Ranks” and we should applaud ourselves AND each other for being the strong women behind our strong men!
OMGoodness you guys are funny. I am at Fort Eustis and the wives here don’t try to one up you as they do in trying to be nosey without introduction or calling the management for some postal male to come to my door. I go outside (mind you I have barely been here a month) and they go out and make it obvious they are watching me, so I wave and get the dirty looks. I think it’s funny that I mind my own business and yet they know my every move. The only woves I have met that were friendly were the officers wives. The wives on this side of the post have their groups and they are exactly like each other within their groups.
I like this site, it has made me laugh, given me tips I didn’t know about and reminded me of the show Army Wives. Go figure, and Miss Stacey, you remind me of Pamela Moran on the show. Outspoken and full of life. It’s fabulous!
Thanks so much! This put a smile on my face!!
I just want to add to something that you said. Having a husband who has been gone for over four years of our 10 year marriage in deployments (combat and non), I do have to say that there is a difference in anxiety depending on the type of separation. Yes, he’s gone right now for 12 months, but it’s non-combat. I don’t feel the levels of anxiety and loneliness as I did during his three combat tours. When I meet someone who has a spouse deployed in a combat zone, I am sincerely grateful that mine is not and I am also sincerely sympathetic for them, as well. Yes, my husband is gone and yes it’s a one year assignment, but when people put it on the same level as a combat zone, it makes me uneasy because he’s not facing near the danger that our friends and other servicemen/women are. I do miss him, as do our kids and I in no way diminish his service, but I would rather more support be given to the families of those dealing with the terrors of combat.
I agree with this, it is really annoying when women post something new everyday about there solider and how much they miss them, and how hard it is.. My marine is my HS sweet heart and I would do anything and everything for him… but what I do not get is that these wifes and gf’s insist on us hearing about there personal feelings about how hard it is for them.. What about your solider??? It’s not about you anymore, so just support and appreciate your solider, cause they go through so much that we would never understand.. So it’s important to put aside your needs to post your everday drama about how hard it is, we all know and we are all going through the same thing.. So no need to post it everyday.
This is so true. My husband and I got married after knowing each other for 5 months, and 5 weeks later, his ex gave birth to his daughter (they were together 3 months, broke up, then found out she was pregnant), so our life was already quite complicated and trying (hindsight is of course perfect, and I would have done things differently now), then after being married all of 4 months, his deployment got moved up 2 months, and we had a week to prepare. His daughter was only 3 months, and his ex was questionable in her ability to care for her.
He’s spec ops, so only deploys for 3-4 months, so when I made a post about being overwhelmed/scared about him leaving, one of my supposed friends, who had hastily married her live in boyfriend of 2-3 years right before he deployed, made the comment “at least it’s only a few months, try a whole year like I have to do with John”.
Really? Not only had we just gotten married, bought a house, and I was still trying to figure out the whole army thing, he also had a 3 month old, and being spec ops, I didn’t know where he was going (aside from a war zone, not even the country), if I heard from him once a week, it’d be lucky, and had no idea when he’d actually come back. It could be 3 months, 4 months, he could get a date to leave, and be extended indefinitely. How is that doing anything but throwing a pity party for yourself. Yes, as army wives, we do have to be tougher than most, but that doesn’t mean we won’t benefit from a few encouraging words now and then. And, just because my husband isn’t gone as long as yours, it certainly doesn’t make it “easier”. We have no clue when he’ll actually leave (it’s usually moved up anywhere from 2 weeks, to 2 months), when he’ll be back, and when he’s home, he could literally deploy any night, in the middle of the night, and always has to be packed and ready, and he can have 2 or 3 scheduled deployments in a year. I am convinced a solid year would be easier than constantly readjusting to him being here and then gone, but I’m not for a second going to think that our deployments are harder or easier than yours, and won’t put you down, because, at least you know what’s coming. Every person, and every situation is different, and all have outside factors that affect “how hard” a deployment is. And, just because you love an army man, doesn’t mean you were prepared, or really built to be an army wife, and no one should be put down because they love someone and are trying to support them, but they’re just hanging by a thread. If army wives would ban together, not bicker amongst each other, we would certainly be a force to be reconed with.
My favorite was from a friend who was married some time ago. She told me how I should be happy to get an occasional call or email while my DH was in Korea. That during WWII they had to wait for months and would be lucky to get a short letter, not knowing if their solder was still alive when they got it.
I told her that where I understood the implication during WWII, I really didn’t see where there is a comparison. He had a computer in his dorm room with internet, he could email.
I’m a Military wife since 9 years this time around ( my 3rd marriage, 4th deployment coming up) and are around Military since almost 25 years, giving I’m about to turn 40.
My main problem is the fact that most FRG Leaders only get them position based on them husbands high Rank, which they got because they went to College ( nothing wrong with that ) most are very young, just joined not to long ago, so neither one knows much about Military life in the first place.
Being around so long, I took a lot of Classes for different FRG positions, even was right hand of an FRG Leader for awhile but whenever we PCS, I have to start all over, no one believes me that I been around that long ( looking so young ) and know a lot but rather treat me as a smart ass wanna be and it ticks me off, I don’t even wanna help out at my FRG no more.
I really don’t understand why some wives think only cause them husband got a high Rank, they know more then the wives with husbands that have lower Ranks.
Thanks so much for posting this.
I know we all have those immature moments (and many military wives/mothers are very young). We’re “new” to the Navy and My Sailor’s first deployment just happens to be over every holiday from fall until next year. But he’s doing a “ride along”, so the rest of his boatmates are home for the holidays. When I hear women complain about their Sailors aweful work schedules, part of me does feel – “Oh yeah? Well, he may be tired, but at least he’s HOME for the holidays. You can hug him, kiss him, etc. I can’t even hear the voice of my submariner.” But I know that’s not fair – these women have (or will have) to someday endure deployments over the holidays. So I try not to focus on those that are complaining, and try not to “feed” those jealous feelings (which is where all “one-up-man-ship” stems from IMHO). Instead I try to connect with other new Navy wives and girlfriends. The girlfriends don’t have any idea what’s going on most of the time as communication is very limited. Spending time with them and showing them that it’s possible to show kindness to others, even when you’re hurting because your loved one is gone for the holidays is partly for me, but partly to be an example and hope that someday, they’ll pay it forward to another spouse/girlfriend.
Thank you for posting this! My husband is going into the Army in April and I was looking for a website like this to help me get prepared for the adventure we signed up for! It’s so sad to me that almost every time we mention that he is going into the Army people cringe and tell us they’re “sorry” or “wow, that sucks”. Although I am aprehensive and scared of some of the dangers, I am excited that the Army is going to give him to opportunity to better himself and work in the field he earned his college degree in but has not been able to use up to this point. I look forward to reading more on this site and completely 100% agree that military wives/spouses should be supportive of each other because everyone is going through the same thing, even if yours seems “worse” at the time.
I agree completely I only ever have a problem with trying to find friends army wives who are a good influence. I am only saying this because me and my husband were only 18 when we moved to our first duty station and right away I understood to keep my mouth shut. I have to admit it has been hard to find other army wives who are not going to tell my personal problems to everyone and yes I understand personal is personal but everyone sometimes needs someone to talk to too. I know that it’s unsaid rule in the army don’t spread your business around and I have learned that the hard way it’s sad to say but sometimes it can be worse than high school. Any advice on finding army wives that are more mature and not going to make you regret your friendship ? I love my husband and the army life we live but sometimes I feel so isolated because I am literally scared of some of the things I have witnessed from people talking about other people that I’m not sure what to do anymore. I hope I did not cause any offense I was just trying to be sincere and find some real help and answers
Ally
I am so overjoyed that I ran across this website!! I grew up an army brat.. and now my husband leaves for Army Basic Training and AIT July 15th. I think your post was sincere and hit the point right where it needed to be!! I remember being a little girl and worrying about my dad, and now I will worry and miss my husband just the same. I think whether it is your son father mother daughter sibling etc you miss and worry just as much as the next person for their loved one, we should embrace others and remember others struggle with the same situations. My dad did 26 years Army 2 wars and I am still struggling about my husband leaving to basic training. My dad always taught me all branches of military…. ARMY MARINE CORPS AIR FORCE NATIONAL GUARD ETC ARE ALL FAMILY…. no matter whether we know them or not, support him and his family like he supports his band of brothers who fight on the line with him, when we are in need. I absolutely think Stacey that you are a great person for caring about others and god will bless you and your family, and thank you so much for all of the info you have posted too, it is helping me tremendously!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for giving us Army Wives a positive place for advice and help. We just went through a PCS and a month later he deployed. I don’t know anyone here and from the post I’ve seen on the local army wives website, I don’t want to reach out to any of them. So many army wives are bitter and hateful. I refuse to become like that. It’s really sad to see how quickly another wife will cut you to the quick. We all have to face deployments and time away from our spouses. This is not an easy life and not everyone can handle it, but wives berating others because they have become bitter is just sad. So again, thank you. It’s really nice to find others that love and respect the life we have chosen to live with our soldiers!
Why care so much? Everyone comes from a different background, and interprets things differently. “one upping” is everywhere. At your job, at your house, at your church. EVERYWHERE. And yes, we are all dealing with the same thing, but one marriage is going to be different than someone else’s, some wives may be on a different level of intelligence, some may have kids, or whatever. It’s literally everywhere, so let it be. It’s not like you can change it.
Hi Stacey…
I’m an army wife and an MFT I was thinking about starting my own blog for the wives/gf in my my husbands unit since we keep and touch and go over stuff to help support them emotionally. I came across your blog and have been enjoying reading everyones perspective.
The subjects discussed are what we usually talk about. The last post stated we can’t do nothing about people trying to one up each other. Yeah we can’t do anything when other people do it to us but it doesn’t mean we have to respond in the same way. That’s one way we can implicate a change. A deployment is a deployment no matter how long the time is. Everyone who is. involved goes through the same separation …people miss each other. We can all learn to be supportive instead of catty towards each other. I agree with you when you mentioned some wives believe they hold their husbands ranks…I’ve seen it and experienced it. They sometimes slow down when they don’t get a reaction or find out what I do outside of that world. In my head it shouldnt be like that…everyone should try to help each other if they can. Infidelity is also a huge topic not just the wife back home or the husband out in the field cheats. Each side has its own stereotype. People forget the building block of a marriage…trust and communication are the biggest to me and what I always remind the other women about.