Part One of Two
In the past few weeks, I’ve received multiple emails from Army wives asking how to handle other people wanting to be at the homecoming from deployment or when their soldier comes home for R&R. I promised to address it in a more “open” manner than just emailing a response back to them so here I am. Now, before I begin, I realize my opinion may not be a popular one, particularly among the parents of married soldiers. But its just that – my opinion – so take it or leave it! 
Also, my husband’s unit does things differently than most. For one, they don’t get R&R. So I’ve never had a happy reunion or tearful goodbye at the airport, although I’ve witnessed many. Two, we don’t have ceremonies when they leave or return. When he leaves, I drop him off at the company area and when he returns, I just get a call where he says “I’m home, come pick me up!”. I used to wish that we would have at least a homecoming ceremony, until I went to one for a friend. Then I was glad we don’t have them. That’s torture to have to stare at your soldier and not be allowed to run up to him!
I suppose I’ve stalled enough! So on to the real issue. In MY opinion, only the immediate family should be there for the soldier’s return. If he’s single, then that’s his parents, siblings and fiancee or girlfriend if he has one. However, if he’s married, then his immediate family is his wife and children. I can just hear all the parents now getting ready to ream me a new one.
I realize it is hard on everyone when a soldier is deployed. I don’t have kids so obviously I’ve never had a son who deployed so I can’t speak to those emotions. But I do know that unless he moved out of his parent’s house just before the deployment then the big void laid with his immediate family – his wife and kids. They are the ones who have dealt day to day without his presence. It is their household that was effected when he left. His wife is the one who slept in an empty bed and handled many of his responsibilities at home. His kids are the ones who no longer had their dad to tuck them in at night. And that household will also be the one that has to deal with his readjustment after he gets home.
I believe the homecoming should be for them. They should have, at the very least, a few days to reunite on their own terms without worrying about others being there. They need time to adjust and time to reconnect with each other. Not to worry about entertaining guests. My in-laws have been very respectful about this and have never come to one of his homecomings. And I am eternally grateful for that. We need that time for us.
Sadly, I’ve known many who have had to go to extremes to see that this happens such as keeping the date of the return a secret or adding two weeks to it. To all the parents who may be reading this (and I’m sure are steaming mad now), please, at the very least, find out what the wishes of your soldier are and respect whatever it is. Dealing with a redeployment and the huge range of emotions is difficult enough without adding unneeded drama to the situation.
So there you have my opinion on the matter. And you’re more than welcome to leave comments if you wish. I’m a big girl – I can handle it!
(See part two on homecoming ceremonies)
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I completely agree!!! Thank you so, so much for writing this article! :]
Ageed. Thankful my mother-in-law was am army wife herself.
AGREE AGREE AGREE!
“It is their household that was effected when he left. His wife is the one who slept in an empty bed and handled many of his responsibilities at home.”
spoken perfectly like a hallmark card. parents of the soldiers don’t seem to understand this!
I completely agree with you Stacey! With the Army National Guard we had a going away ceremony for my husband before he left for training! Then he got to come home for R&R for 4 days before he actually deployed and when he deployed I just dropped him off and we said our good byes! When he came home for R&R there wasn’t a welcoming home ceremony because he isn’t technically home!!! And I just got a call saying I will be at the airport in about an hour meet me there! Now when he came home for good in March of 2010 they had a welcoming home ceremony and we were told to be there by 9pm where we sat and waited and waited and waited for oh about 2 1/2 hours!!!! It was very disappointing because we all just sitting patiently as we could be for them to return as my soldier was texting me from the airport because they had already landed they just had to check all their gear in! I HATED the welcoming home ceremony because I only got to see my husband for 45 minutes before they bused them to the base and to do DMOB processing for 5 days. And I was very disappointed because I wasn’t the only one that was there to greet him, his parents, cousins, friends of the family all came along, so in other words I didn’t get any time with him at all! I don’t think they should have welcoming home ceremonies and if they do make them after they have been home for a few weeks and have had some time to spend with the families!
The Homecoming isn’t just about the spouse or even the kids. It’s also about the soldier. It’s not the spouse’s opinion of who should be there that matters, it is about who the soldier wants there. If there’s any question ask him or her.
I speak from the perspective of someone close to beginning training and expecting frequent deployments. As a soldier I will be incredibly disappointed if my parents are not there when I come home, and I would be livid if my wife lied to my parents to keep them away. In my view, Homecomings are for EVERYONE to celebrate the return of the soldier, including the soldier himself. There is plenty of time for alone time with a spouse, but to deprive parents the joy of seeing their soldier return after a year of fighting in a war is simply wrong. Other soldiers may feel differently, but it is their opinion who should be solicited on this issue, nobody else’s.
Debbie , you are the only women in hear that has that problem and maybe you should not be so involved in you son’s life and if u like to be maybe you should talk to your Son and tell hem that you fallow hes wiffe everywhere ,if you feel so angry what are you trying to proof let that be hes problem and their pain. I’m a mother of 3 Soldiers and a wife of a USMC,CO .I’m feeling good to see there is still strong women that can put up being Military spouse, strong and thinking bought your solder , This is a side for real women whom cares for her solder and doesn’t hate as much as you do. I wish you all the best and yes take your time be with your solder in the home coming , as a mother and a wife of a solder a phone call to let me know he is in the Usa. it will make my day!!!! There is to many crazy mother in lows out there so be careful and don’t let anyone be between you and your man you are One people.
I totally agree with you! We are very close to our son, we would honor what he would want even though it would be hard if he didn’t want us there. Praise the Lord he is not married!
So, am I the only selfish one who thinks it’s not JUST up to the soldier? As a wife going through a deployment with a very over bearing intrusive MIL into her sons life, I do not want her to be there. I agreed to spend block leave visiting his family before he left, and I am happy to visit with them during block leave after he returns. Other than that, this time is for US. it is not just the service member who sacrifices, and I don’t agree that it is ultimately their choice. It’s something that needs to be discussed between a husband and wife, and the wives desires for how the homecoming should be are just as valid as the soldiers. it’s not a picknick to readjust to being a family again. The last thing I want is added stress. I have told my husband that if she is there, I will not be. And you’d better believe she has tried numerous times to guilt him into inviting her for r&r and homecoming. Of course there is a lot of background into why I feel this way.
Brian, I totally agree, well said. This is not about us, it is about the soldier. He or She was the one who had to give up everything and was out there risking their lives everyday and working hard to complete the mission assigned. I am a mom, but I asked my son who would he like to see at his homecoming. I invited his girlfriend, his father (we are divorced) and I am bring even his dog, per his request. Just seeing his face when he arrives and being able to see him smile when he sees our faces is enough for me. He knows we love and support him all the way. Remember, nothing that we have gone through here at home is even close to what a soldier has to go through. Let’s stop the me, me, me boohoo attitude and let’s stay focus on what they want, not on what satisfies us. It’s a long journey so lets all stick together Hoooahhh!
Brian,
I understand that you are getting ready to deploy. As someone who has deployed and someone’s husband does deploy quite often I wouldn’t jump to how you feel before you have even gone through it. Believe me I was all about my parents being there before I left but then the closer it got to coming home I needed and wanted time with just my husband. Especially those first few days if not just one day. Deployments are not like basic. When you graduate basic everyone should be there. Now if you live close enough and your family can go home after the homecoming instead of staying at your house that is different. My in laws thankfully are very respectful and so are my parents and completely understand. Although we just now are starting are family which I find it even more important now that it will be just his immeadiate family or when I come back from deployments just my immeadiate family (husband, kid) . You should always consider how your significant other feels there is always a way to compromise.
What about parents of the deployed soldier about to returrn that had a slutty wife who screamed for a divorce, spent all the cash and bar hopped for the entire year….in between paychecks of course? I assume we are an exception even though she’ll be there?
i completely agree with you on the ceremonies they are miserable and i felt like at my husbands that the buses where just going to pull up and he would have to leave every two mintues. I definately prefer immediate family only going like children and spouses. Cause it seems like you dont get any time with your spouse or loved one. my husband returns home from deployment in october and i dont know yet if they are having a welcome home. if they do i would just want to go instead of family and cousins and such.
Thank you, I completely agree! I’m sure my mother-in-law wouldn’t, though. When we’ve done deployments, they’ve been short and I have been lucky to go alone. But I feel it wouldn’t allow us that moment of reconnecting if his mom is standing right there, waiting for him to come hug her and him feeling like he has to let me go.
Going through my first deployment (other than his short GRF deployment to Haiti) I can only say that if my husband would like his family there then that is his choice. Of course deep inside I want to be selfish and say that no one else can come but if that decision would then in turn hurt/upset my husband then what good is to come out of that selfishness? As an Army wife you’re constantly waiting for that day that your soldier gets to return home and have that amazing homecoming that you’ve been thinking about every day that he has been deployed but ultimately it is the soldier who get to decide who is there; seeing as they were the one with only their comrades to see day in and day out. They are the ones who go through the true grief so if it is their choice to see the ones the love, ALL of them, then so it shall be.
I am in complete agreement…even when you live with the parents, as I do. He have a very tight nit family and although I understand that his sisters love him and his parents..as his wife I need my alone time with him and I really hate that they are ALWAYS there. Dont get me wrong I love their help but when it comes to coming home it should be all about my soldier, my son and I…. His sisters get offened when when I say anything…how do I handle this?
I have to agree. Homecoming is very emotional and much easier without the added drama of extra family members, especially because you and your soldier are just getting to know one another again after a year of separation. People can grow and change in a year, and it’s just that much more difficult because we are doing this separately. In the past, my soldier and I would have to keep it a secret when he was coming home from deployment, because at the slightest hint, his family would drive all the way down to see him home. However, I think that it’s something that should be discussed by the soldier and his wife as to if the soldiers’ family should be present or not, don’t just make this decision on your own. Right before my husband came home from his first deployment, he asked me if I wanted his parents and siblings there. I told him honestly, that I would prefer that it was just me and him, but it was his family in question, and he was the one coming home, so ultimately, it was his decision. He is the one that just spent a year deployed after all. He was glad that I gave him my honest feelings about it, and he decided that he would be happier if it was just him and me as well.
I have to say that I hate homecoming ceremonies! Last deployment when they released the soldiers to their families his sister raced out and jumped on him before I could even get out of my seat. His family brought about 10 people with them and I just got pushed out of the way till they got their hugs from him first and to top it off my mother in law got mad because he had a rose for me but not one for her. It was awful! He’s on his 3rd deployment now and I asked him before he left if it could just be me and our son when he comes home. He’s worried that his family will be mad at him if we wait to tell them he’s coming home, but if we tell them when he will be home they will come no matter what our wishes are. I agree that it is my home that suffers the loss of his presence. Our son that doesn’t have his daddy everyday. I believe that they should respect our wishes and not cause drama because they don’t agree. I refuse to suffer a repeat of the last homecoming. This was our homecoming nightmare. I hope that parents and siblings realize that it doesn’t mean your soldier doesn’t love you if he ask you to wait a few days to see him. He just needs time to get used to his wife and children first. Please respect your soldiers wishes and don’t make deployment harder than it has to be.
Stacey i do the same thing for my husband like you do. Just drop him off at his company and that is it. My husbands family has never really been there for him so i guess im kind of lucky to not have to share that one on one time with my husband as bad as it sounds, but now im upset at the fact that one of his units friends wife wants to be there. I don’t know how to handle it. I know my husband wants support there but like you said I and my children suffered through the deployment so i just want time with my hubby. Plus she has her husband so what the heck is she so worried about mine
Homecoming ceremonies are torture, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s hard no matter what, so I just do my best to show as much love and support as I possibly can. I know many military wives don’t make a big fuss over it, but it is such a huge deal to me and to my husband that I simply can’t imagine treating it like any other day.
I don’t particularly get along with my MIL, she drives me bonkers. But I know she loves him too, and has missed him too. So I have never asked that she stay away. So long as she’s not pushing me out of the way, I try not to do the same. LOL. If my husband did tell us he wanted only certain people around at first, or to be alone even, it would be hard, but I would respect his wishes. I can totally see my MIL blaming me somehow, but I hope that wouldn’t happen.
I know we’re dying to see them ASAP, but it should be HIS call. I think a husband-wife discussion about it would be good, so that both are on the same page about things. But wives, if his choice is not the same as yours, you will only cause more tension and problems by insisting your way be done no matter what he wants. Sometimes you just have to give a little more and be patient.
I saw one comment about how a wife or GF is making her soldier choose between her or his mother. BAD IDEA. Unless there’s some really really strong reasons for him to, it’s not likely he’s going to just abandon his mother for you. Asking him to choose is a bad idea on so many levels. It causes stress between you and him, stresses the relationship with the MIL, and it’s very unlikely to turn out well. If you love this man, and can’t stand his mother, you better learn to suck it up and get over it. Chew that tongue. She is a major part of his life, and if you want to be a part of that, then you have to learn to accept that you’re not going to get along with everyone in his life 100% of the time. You don’t have to be her best friend, but you don’t have to make the situation worse either.
And the same goes to that mother who so harshly described her DIL! Whether you like her or not, that is who your son wants to be with. You mean well, that’s clear. But this is his choice to make.
Question been dating a soilder for a few months now and he is currently deployed, he stated that he would be home in December, but woudnt know a definate date till November, he states he wants me to be at the homecoming ceremony , he states that the base at FtLewis usually has one and he wants me there, problem is I live in another state , my question is how do I go about findning out if and when the base will have one, he gave me is unit name and all the info pertaining to him. And if Im able to go will I be able to get on base to attend. He states he doesnt want me stressed cause he knows when he gets the date of his arrival home it gonna be short notice , what do I do?
He’s right about not knowing dates/times until the last minute. I’m not sure how the FRG works if you’re not a spouse, but they are helpful with these things. You should be able to get on Ft Lewis but will have to get a pass. They usually will have tentative dates so you should be able to get an idea of when to be there. So bottom line is if you can get there, you will be able to attend.
Thanks for the information , I guess I will contact them closer to the December.
My fiance is currently deployed and he won’t return home until next year. It’s supposed to be a nine month deployment. Before he deployed, we were living together and are planning on getting married a month after he returns home. Since he has been gone his family has done nothing but ask him for money and tell him everything that’s wrong in their lifes. Never anything positive. He finally told them he doesn’t have the money to give them because we are getting married and that we are wanting to save money so when we decide to have our own family we don’t have to worry about money. We did enough of that having an apartment on single soldier pay and my checks. His family knew he was deploying but he didn’t invite them to come so of course they blamed me and said I was the reason he didn’t invite them to go. They expected me to invite them. Since we no longer had our apartment, we had to stay at his buddies and his wife’s house, along with his family. It was nothing but their family drama and we did not get to enjoy our last few days together. I know if my fiancés family comes to his homecoming it will be just like his buddies family and I felt so sorry for his wife and baby. It’s like a competition or something. I’m getting a hotel room for his homecoming and if his family goes they can get their own room and drive themselves . Sounds mean but I want to enjoy him coming home since I didn’t get to enjoy my last few days before deployment with him. His family hasn’t been to anything since he has been in but now that he’s engaged, they wanna be.
Under the conditions you wrote, I would agree the wife and children be at the homecoming. But in my case, my son got married 1 month before he left. They never lived together. His new wife has lived with me for 2 years, before the marriage and after. My son was deployed when his daughter was born, again I was there and now new wife and new baby lived with me. I wanted to be present at his homecoming to see my “baby” and to see his face when he looks and hold his own daughter for the first time. My husband and I were staying at a hotel and staying less than 24 hours.
They planned their wedding so quickly we could not be present for that either.
One hurt Momma
I’m sorry. I completely agree that you should be there under these circumstances.
I realize I’m late to the party here, but I can’t stop myself…
Frankly, it shouldn’t matter if they married 2 hours before he deployed, they are MAN and WIFE. Is their union less scared than yours to your husband? Would you have put up with that nonsense if you had JUST married your husband before he deployed, and had to carry and birth his child without him? Do you honestly see yourself as an equivalent to your son’s WIFE in his life?? How selfish. Your poor daughter-in-law.
I married my soldier less than a month before he deployed, and carried and delivered his son while he was away. It was awful, heartbreaking, and incredibly difficult. My husband and I made it through because of the strength of our commitment and our unwavering love for one another.
Like you, my mother-in-law felt ENTITLED to be at his homecoming ceremony. She caused such a scene in the days after he returned that she has ruined our relationship with her, and we no long speak with her.
Please stop and consider how you might feel if it were YOUR husband, and you had carried his child. Try to consider the strain you might put on your son’s marriage by asking him to put you above his WIFE AND BRAND NEW BABY. Would you have felt that his mother had as much right to be there as you? Probably not.
They made vows. One of those was likely to forsake all others… that includes you.
Been there, done that. Don’t be selfish when your service member comes home. It is a BIG event and everyone is different. If you have M-I-L issues, that’s too bad but get over it. If he/she wants Mommy there, you need to put your big girl panties on and smile, smile, smile. Your soldier/sailor/airman should call the shots on this. Ask them what they want and PLEASE do not lie about it to other people who are asking. If they want 50 people there plus the dog, that is A-OK. And if he/she really wants just the spouse and the kiddoes, that’s okay too. It’s not about you.
Sorry but when you’re married it’s NOT just your call anymore. Mommy needs to cut the cord and let her child have his/her own family. Coming down later is okay, but I believe the actual Homecoming is for immediate family only. When our guys come home there is a reception for the families then everyone goes out to see the ship/helicopter. Mommy and daddy don’t have to adjust their household when their kid is gone, the spouse does. It’s the spouse that takes care of the children and pets when their husband/wife are gone.
My big girl panties were on when I got married. Looks like mommy is the one that needs to put hers on.
It may not be about me, but it is about US. Those are the vows we took. I think it should be up to both partners to agree. And if they can’t, then that’s just sad. I’m totally with Stacy on this one.
My husband comes home soon and his mom wants to be there. DH and I both have confessed to each other that we would like it to be just us. But I said, and he agrees, that if his parents want to go then I will not try to dissuade them but I wouldn’t encourage it either. As a mom, I try to empathize with how I would feel if my son were gone. I’d want to see him. I hope that I would understand that wife and kids get first priority but I am not going to hold it against my mother-in-law for not understanding that.
So, I am going to just grin and bear it.
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